Bleach World: Behind the Behind of Mu(Sadly)
by Kitsune-Dama
Summary: "Is this thing on?" "You wouldn't be hearing yourself if it wasn't, fool." "Oi! This is my story, made by me, FOR me, and I don't need your lip!" "Apparently an idiot like you does." "Oh yeah? Well I know what you are, but what am I?" "I'm you, moron." "... I need to get better staff for this story."
1. AA meetings bring us closer together

**Eeeeeeeeeey, peeps- it's ya boi, Kitsune-Dama-Sama-Senpai-Sensei-San here, bringing you a... Thing.**

 **This was originally going to be a World of Bleach Forum only segment where I made Omake's every month for the players, entailing wacky and over all, highly illegal antics of MooMoo-Senpai himself, but, I kind of got shot down by the** ** _man_** **, so it is moving to the original stories location.**

 **What is this segment? Basically, it was made to be a sort of filler, intended to include any and everyone on World of Bleach that wanted to be apart of the story, and of course, these are going to say 'Fuck the plot', and are only intended for humor based flashbacks that MooMoo-Senpai has done before, and are going to stay that way- so all the way until this story ends, with every Omake filled with old and new OC's alike.**

 **And if you want in? All you have to do is head down to World of Bleach RPG, make yourself an account, and message Mu Setsumei Uxukie** ** _himself_** **(Because I know a guy that says he knows him on there-) about if you want in.**

 **Anyway, see y'all... Whenever I feel like it, I don't know, depends on when the next Chapter is getting written.**

 **BUT NOT SO FAST, TURD SACKS!**

 **I have decided to make my Omakes an entirely different story altogether, to tidy the main story up a bit, so here is... whatever it is I decided to call it. Enjoy.**

"Bullshit." Esin seemed taken back by what I had just said. " **Excuse me?"** "You heard me- your shit, I call bull upon it." His eye twitched. " **That is not how this works here, buddy- you can't do or say anything to change your fate."** "Well that's just outright unfair- isn't that against the law or something? Like, incrimination without a proper court case, or whatever?" He just stared at me like I had grown an extra head(Which, admittedly, I have done in the past… And it wasn't an extra upper head if you were curious-).

" **Of all the things you choose to learn and remember, why on EARTH is it from the American Legal System?!"** "I needed to learn my rights after that one drunken night in August where Zangetsu dared me to go and steal a cow so we could then sneak into a McDonalds and make us some delicious Krabby Patty's!" " **... What, are you on-"** "Life, my friend." I breathed in a breath of air and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. "Life." He just grit his teeth and pushed me to the floor(Ooooh, someone was getting kinky- wonder where the candle wax and medieval torture machine was, though.). " **ENOUGH! Mangetsu, start up the ritual!"** "What?! Oh come on, doc, I don't get a trial or nothing? What is it- my hair color? Is it because I'm black? It's because I'm black, isn't it?! You racist son of a-" " **The hell are you on about?! You're paler than a newborn's ASS!"** "I meant on the inside, you conservative ass. God, so inconsiderate." " **I'll show you inconsiderate you little piece of-"** A hand on his shoulder prevented him from doing anything though **.**

" _ **Aw, come on, Esin, why not just give him his little 'Trial' so he doesn't have any reason to complain once this whole thing is complete?"**_ " **Mangetsu, please don't tell me you are actually on HIS side-"** " _ **What? No- but I mean, just look at his cute little mug over- there."**_ I was currently sitting on the ground picking my nose with my pinky with drool escaping my mouth ever so often. " _ **... Just give him his stupid trial-"**_ " **Alright, ALRIGHT! I'll allow him to make a retarded case! God damn, you spoil him too much-"** " _ **Well, I mean- I AM a part of his soul."**_ She raised her eyebrow at him. " _ **I am obviously going to be on his side."**_ " **Yeah, yeah, you damn minx-"** He waved her off as he looked at me. " **Alright, you moron, you get a chance to make your case-"** "Yay!" Suddenly the environment changed as the desert became a courtroom- witness stand, jury, and everything. "All rise for the honorable Judge Judy!" An officer in uniform that looked exactly like me said. "Ahem." "Ah, my bad, it's not 10 A.M. yet- all rise for the badass and incredibly good looking, Judge Moomoo-Senpai." At this, everyone rose. " **Wait, what the fuck is going on?"** Esin blinked and looked down, only to see himself in handcuffs and an orange jumper. " **Wait a damn moment-"** 'All may be seated, thank you- hey, you! Yeah, you, ugly, sit the hell down and stop making a racket!"

"Why don't you make me, you pussy?!" An exact lookalike of the officer, sans uniform and wearing hobo garb with a bottle of whiskey in his hands said as he threw the bottle and hit the wall next to the officer. "Oh, you are so dead you little shit-" "Officer Uxukie, that will not be necessary. Mu, please either take a seat or leave the courtroom." The hobo grumbled and begrudgingly sat down. "Thank you, now- is everyone present and accounted for?" I sat back and crossed my fingers as the officer reported everyone was. "Good, good. Now then-" " **HOLD THE FUCK UP! What the hell is going on?! Why am I in prison garbs, where did you get the white wig and judges uniform, and- WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MANGETSU?!"** He screamed as he pointed to my self appointed secretary. "Obviously because you are on trial, I am the judge, and the smoking hot secretary is here to take note of everything that is said here today." I smirked and reclined back in my chair and put my feet up on the stand.

"How you doing by the way, babe? Hope everything is in- hehe, working order?" She just smirked up at me and buttoned down her already very cleavage exposing button up shirt more. " _ **Oh, I am doing just… Fine, your Honorable Judge, sir. Though, it's feeling a bit steamy in here, wouldn't you agree?"**_ She asked fanning herself and buttoning down even _more_ of her shirt. "I don't think it's hot enough- OFFICER UXUKIE! Quickly, turn up the heat!" I was drooling at this point as I screamed at the officer to do something. Sadly, he was too busy looking at the tantalizing cleavage.

The pervert.

I'm the judge, I'm allowed to look at the… evidence, without being a pervert.

Yeah. Evidence.

" **Oi! Stop gawking at the woman and tell me what the fuck is-"** "Quiet in the court, you little meat sack! The Judge is thinking here." " **Did he just call me a-"** "Meat sack, yeah. He did." Turning to his left, Esin could see his Lawyer for the case, also a me replica, this one in a lawyer suit.

And also leaning in on the table to get a better look at the best view I have gotten all day.

"Now shut up and let the big boys talk." Clearing his throat to get the attention of the judge(Me-), he went up to the stand. "Your honor-" "Guilty." He turned back and sat down at the table, head down. "I tried." " **G-Guilty?! You didn't consult the jury of my 'supposed' peers! Hell, I'm not even the one on TRIAL here!"** "Quiet, punk! What the Judge says, goes! Plus, he did consult the jury." The officer pointed towards where the secretary was, making Esin's eyebrow twitch as the whole jury was standing there, with one of them having drawn a crude 'Gulti' across the confused womans chest. "See- gulti." I wisely nodded my head as I banged my gavel. "Alright, on to the case of the stolen bagel, a, Warusaki vs Hitori civil suite, eh? Now how's that for a little easter egg, 'ey?" I winked at the camera… Thing, that recorded these sessions.

Shameless advertising gets you so far in society, kids. Remember that.

" **E-NOUGH!"** Seems he had enough of my shit, because he quickly broke the illusion around us, taking us back to the desert in our original positions. "Tch. Someone's a spoil sport." I muttered to myself as Esin appeared in front of me and grabbed my shirt. " **You wanted a fucking reason why I was doing this?! Here's a fucking reason right HERE!"** A giant television suddenly appeared next to us, and he slammed my face directly into it(Again with the aggressiveness- but yet again the candle wax was missing. Weird.). " **This right here is one of the MANY god forsaken reasons I am doing this, so I hope you enjoy!"** "You know, I don't see how shoving my face into a T.V. like I was a young, impressionable 3 year old is going to prove anyth- Oh boy! Cartoons!" The T.V. suddenly turned on and a flashback was playing.

 **Flashback, biatches!**

"Alright, alright, everyone quiet down." I told the room as I sat at the bar, legs crossed and sipped from my mug. "I'm glad you could all make it though, because nothing brings me more joy then looking at all the accumulated bewb here today." "Fuck you, Setsumei!" "Love you too, Ora-Babe!" She just grumbled and passed out on the table she was sitting at.

She wasn't exactly a heavyweight.

In fact, I thought I made sure the tavern didn't sell her anything but white wine and rum balls-

Note to self: Don't let Oracion buy Rum based products.

"Now that everyone has- SUOH, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Ahem, as I was saying- now that everyone has quieted dow- SUOH! DON'T MAKE ME FUCKING GO OVER THERE!" "Come at me bro- I ain't even tipsy, you're the drunk one!" "Boy, no one talking about how drunk you are, now sit down and shut up!" "Don't call me 'Boy' and tell me to shut up bro; fittin' to go over to you and shove my fist in yo face though!" "Oh yeah? And I'm fittin' to go over there and shove my boot up yo ass you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP!" That got his mouth shut. "Good- now then, before anyone ELSE can cut me off-" I gave a pointed look in the unconscious Oracion's direction(She always had this habit of passing out and waking up at the most inopportune moments- like the time my shower was busted and I had to use hers after she had been out drinking with her 'Grills' as she calls it, and she walked in while I was getting out. Yeah- I wasn't talking deeply for a good long while after that one.). "- I would like to say thank you all for coming once again to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting today, and I would also like to thank the owners of this fine establishment for unwittingly being the patrons for this fine event." I tipped my cup to the imaginary bartender in attendance as I leaned over the counter and poured myself another cup. "Now then!" Gulping down the entire liquid, I crushed the glass and wiped my mouth with my sleeve.

"In order; come on now, you all know the drill!" I of course didn't mention the fact that they were all always drunk when I had them do it so there was no way they could remember it, but that was just more fun for me(And karrie, who was also in attendance but somehow not drunk even though she was drinking enough to down a small Indian elephant- might be some Hollow power she obtained… Or maybe it's because alcohol doesn't work on the insane? It would explain my sobriety too- woot! Go Insane Squad! #CrazyforCoCoaPuffs2K16!). "Alright, you're up first big guy." I patted the Hollow on the shoulder and told him to introduce himself to the rest of the people. He stood up shakily(Not too sure if it was from nervousness set in by the alcohol or the alcoholic effects setting in on the nervousness.) and started to introduce himself.

"H-H-Hi, m-my name is, is Zangetsu, a-and I'm an alcohol-whatever the fuck I need to say." He spoke in a deep guttural growl that seemed very impaired by alcohol(The more it gets impaired, the more blackmail I get kids- very simplistic math here.). "Hi Zangetsu." Everyone muttered as he waved awkwardly at them- aw, he's shy.

That's so creepy.

"You can sit now, Zangetsu." He did. "Now tell me- why are you an alcoholic?" I did the pose every successful therapist did(Or at least the ones on T.V.- and let's face it, those are the only ones that matter. You know, the ones that deal with situationally created drama for patients that probably have never even broken a nail in society before- those types of therapists.) as he sat(More like crashed-) into his seat. "I-I don't know why, it's just, like, sort of an impulse at this point!" He rested his head in his hands. "For everyone I ever killed, I always took a drink- 'Bah, one more kill won't hurt!' I always said, well look at me now!" He motioned to his waist. "I lost my girlish figure because of these- these stupid bottles!" He shot a cero from his horns, incinerating one of the lower ranked Hollow's there. "God damn it- then there's these god damn accidental discharges that have been happening ever since I brought that one blonde girl home- I mean really!" He grabbed a beer from the cooler and chugged it down. "Gah, it happened again! My girlish figure- lost forever!" He howled as he started to sob into his hands. I patted him on the back sympathetically. "There there, Zangetsu- everyone has these troubles from time to time, it's natural." He looked up at me with hope. "R-Really?" "Pffft, hell no- alright, on to our next guest! Uhhhhh- you!" I pointed at a girl across from me. "Your turn, introduce yourself to the class!" She stood up wobbly.

"Hi- namesh Overra." "Hi Overra-" "WOO! GO VERRA-CHAN!" I facepalmed. "Yuji, sit back down, your girl can introduce herself." "LOVE YOU BABY-" "Alright, that's it- NURSE! ANAESTHETIC!" The nurse just so happened to be karrie in a bloody nurses uniform, and the anaesthetic was a giant mallet to the face. "Thank you Nurse." "No problem- now pay up." Yeah, for every person she knocks out, I had to pay her in fortune cookies- which was total BS because she basically got a 2 for one deal out of that; knocking people out AND getting cookies?

Total rip off. She's just lucky she's cute-

"Okay, back to the questions- why are you here today, Overra?" 'Well-" She hiccupped. "I didn't really want to be here, but my boyfriend- who is tots hot by the way- wanted me to come for whatever reason!" She chirped happily as she grabbed a giant mug from nowhere and chugged its contents, releasing a burp once she was finished. "Uh huh. And are you sure that is the only reason you are here…?" "Yep!" "Well okay then." Hey, who am I to judge if someone thinks they don't have any problems? Okay, let me rephrase that- who am I to argue OUTSIDE my thoughts if someone didn't think they had a problem? Retarded, that's who. "Alright, who's ne-" "OH! OH! Pick me!" "God damn it, Suoh, you know that you doing that never makes me pick you next!" "No, the next thing I always do after that thing always makes you pick me next-" "NO! No! Just- Just stand up and introduce yourself."

One thing about a drunk Suoh you never want to underestimate- his inability to feel humility.

Or his ability to shove Mexican food down his gullet- never again, I promised myself.

He stood up, looked down at himself and adjusted his outfit while brushing away imaginary dust(Seriously, he always acts like a 5 year old going to school for the first time every time he does this.). "Hi- I'm Suoh, and, and, I like puppies, kittens, not unicorns though, because they are always little BITCHES every time I try to pet them-" I never saw that fresh recruit ever again after Suoh saw his release.

I do not envy him.

"And, I also like, um, hey Setsumei, what else do I like-" "Men." "Oh! Right right, men-" Payback for making me find a new establishment to hold this after his little fiasco- "And, um, yeah, I guess that's about it. Puppies, kittens, and men! And lots of each of them, too- like, I want to choke on these things I have so much of them!" I had to stifle a snort at that.

The blackmail just wrote itself when it came to Suoh being drunk.

"Okay, that's enough about men- now why don't you tell us why you are here?" I slipped him a piece of paper and brought out a recording device. "Why did you-" "Why don't you read off that little slip of paper, Suoh?" He blinked owlishly and nodded his head. "Um ,okay- ahem, 'I, Suho, the hoiest of the ho's, came to this AA meeting because I was told that there would be men- lots, and lots, of men. And seeing as how I lo-' Okay, wait, why am I reading this again?" He asked me confused as I stopped the recording. "Ah- research. Anyway, I think that's enough for now, Suoh, why don't you pick out one of your friends to go next?" "Anyone?" He asked me, trying to be sly about it. "No, Suoh, you can't pick little Suho." "Ah dang it! Then, um, uh, I pick, oh this is a toughy-" I leaned in and whispered into his ear. "How about Sonoran, Suoh." "Oh yeah- I pick Sonoran!" Yep.

So easy to trick drunk Suoh.

"Alright, Sonoran! You're up buddy!" I gestured for him to stand up, and he did, slouched from drinking. "Hi, my name is Sonoran-" "Wait wait wait- I thought your name was Tsuna?" "Tsuna? What? I thought it Nightwing!" Nightwing? Don't be absurd! It was sanji-" "Sanji? Wasn't it Deadpool though?" "Pfft, get with the program you nerds, it's obviously Spiderman! I mean- look at his costume, he looks exactly like him!" For the record, the guy was too drunk to see 2 feet in front of him, as Sonoran was wearing a high tech jumpsuit.

That was blue.

"I'm taking it you drink because of identity crisis, Zero-X?" He started to tear up. "Um, sorry, I meant Sonoran." He just started crying and ran out of the joint. "Tch. Cry baby." The Kool Kids Klub didn't need people like him-

At least that's what I assumed the giant 'KKK' banner outside on the wall stood for.

"Okay, so who is up next?" I muttered to myself, tapping my chin and looking around to see my next vict- patient. Yeah. "Okay, how about you, Cextra?" He stood up grumpily. "My name's Cextra. And you can all fuck off." "Hi Cextra and you can all fuck off." We had quite a few smart asses here with us today. "So Cextra, why are you here today?" "Oh please, don't act like you don't know why!" "Well, I'm not really acting-" Lies, but continuing on. " _YOU'RE_ the reason I'm here, damn it! After your little stint of playing with me, my bosses demoted me! And now I just wallow in misery every, single, DAY! Of my life since that horrid, wretched, day-" "Yeah, yeah. We all have problems kid, you're's is just the tip of the iceberg-"

"Yeah!" karrie apparently decided to jump on in the conversation. Literally- she jumped on Cextra and pushed him further into the chair. "Why just earlier, I chipped a nail smashing some retards face in!" He looked at both of her hands. "But your nails are fi-" Mallet to the face. "By earlier, I meant about 4 seconds earlier. From _now_." She giggled and went back to her seat, holding her hand out. "God damn woman's bleeding me dry-" I told myself as I reached into my pocket and pulled out a cookie to give her.

"Alright, how about you next, Kol?" He stood up, rain cloud over his head. "Hi, I'm Kol." "Hi Kol." "Okay Kol, why are you here today?" I asked him. "I drink, because I like to think that I speak for the trees- I mean, they don't have a voice of their own, and someone has to speak up against the injustices that everyone is doing against them! But- But no one listens." He lowered his head. "Hm. That's a shame, I feel like you could really help those tree's out." He looked up at me with hope. "Really?" I smirked as I sipped from my new cup with a little umbrella in it. "Totally." His eye twitched. "Is- Is that a tiny umbrella in your drink?" I looked at it. "What, this? Yeah- it's some cool hoomahn thing that they put in drinks that act like little toothpicks, see?" I demonstrated by pulling it out and cleaning my teeth with the end causing him to turn green a bit. "Ah, that got the food between my teeth I've been trying to get out for DAYS!" I said before breaking it in half, causing him to pale and faint in his seat.

God, I love this job.

"Up next, hmmmm, how about- you?" Again pointing at a random person, I made him stand up. "Hey- I'm Inazuma." "Hi Inazuma." Telling him to stand down, I asked him the same question I asked everyone so far. "It's, it's like the only thing that sets me apart from everyone else, man!" His eyes were wide and he was looking far out at something that more than likely wasn't there as me and karrie tried to see what the fuck it was he was staring at. "Um, okay, that's nice and all, but, uh, what do you mean by that?" "Everyone just thinks I'm some sort of, of _mutt_ -" He spat that word out at the end. "They think I'm not some human, just some kind of dog!" He smashed his hand against the table and used the other one to down a drink. "Aw, I'm sure those morons don't know what they're talking about." I smirked and subtly glanced at karrie.

Payback time for all my cookies.

"Hey, karrie, take this to the dumpster will ya? I need to console my, ah, _patient_ here more." She just nodded, grabbed the bag I gave to her, and bounded off to the dumpster to throw the thing away(And also probably burn it in the process-). "Psst, hey, Inazuma." I got his attention and pointed at the bag. "You know what's in that bag, right?" He just drunkenly shook his head 'no'. "What?! I thought you knew that the bag had a brand spanking new big red rubber squeaky ball in there!" His eyes widened as he leapt from his seat and ran at karrie with hunger in his eyes as he knocked her down and basically started humping her leg as he tried to get the bag from her.

I almost felt bad.

"Down, you bad puppy!" "AWROOO!"

For the dog, anyway.

"Andreza, you're up." "Okay, okay- yo, names Andreza Oltrain." "Hi Andreza." "So tell us, Andreza, why are you here today?" He sat down sloppily and took a drink. "Because I'm a nobody that has literally nothing better to do with his life for about 3 hours today." "Ah. So a debbie downer, areyou? Well, I got just the right fix for you!" I grinned and pulled out a couple boxes of Little Debbies Nutter Butter's. "Pucker up." "Wait, no, I'm alergic to peanuts!"

That didn't stop me from stuffing his mouth hole full of them until his eyes watered and he couldn't breath.

"Next victim up to bat is, hmmmm- you, Carn-Kun!" He looked up as if startled. "M-Me?" "Yes, you- now stand up and claim your prize!" He looked confused. "We're getting prizes?" "No. But stand up anyway and introduce yourself!" He did so.

Without his release active, he was actually able to speak, which only made this that much funner!

For me.

"H-Hi, name's Carnage, used to be Jwash, but, you know- changed it." He chuckled nervously as everyone greeted him. "Okay, now tell us, dear Carn-Kun, why are you here today." I have been in this position for a long time- I think I might freeze like this if I keep it up. "Well, you know, I just wanted to hang out with the crowd, be around the cool people, hopefully make some new friends-" "Okay, let me stop you right there Jim." "Um, my name isn't-" "Being peer pressured into things is even worse than being a debbie downer. Do you know what we do to those worse than debbie downers here?" He looked around trying to figure it out. "Um, no-" I suddenly appeared behind him and grabbed his head, tilted it down, and talked to karrie. "Nurse, you know what to do." "Yes Doctor person sir." The nurse randomly appeared from nowhere(Even I don't know how she does that-) with a case of the hardest liquor known to hollow kind.

"I-Is that Soul Wrenching Moon-Blast?" Weird name for the drink, but even a bottle of the stuff can make the heaviest of weight Hollow drinkers hit the floor.

And we were going to feed him an entire case of the stuff.

I reiterate; I love my job.

"Chug, chug, chug!" Everyone around us was chanting as I held him down and the nurse force fed him the stuff. I'm not sure when, but at some point during this escapade he passed out, so the stuff went down his throat much easier than before. "And- time!" I threw him back at his chair as the last of the bottles were emptied. "Alright, back to your seats everyone, I need to pick who's next." Everyone grumbled and sat back down, not pleased that they didn't see anyone die.

To be perfectly honest, I was mad too.

"Heh heh- okay, who's the next one up!" I asked myself while rubbing my hands together. "How about, you! Mr. Grumpy over there?" He glared at me and stood up. "Afro." And then sat down.

Not much for words, that one.

"Okay then, Afro, why are you here today?' He just drank from his cup. "Free booze." Ah, I was waiting for that response to come up tonight. "Free booze? What are you talking about- all of this booze is going on your tabs!" At that, everyone froze or spat out their drinks.

"WHAT?!"

Music to my ears.

"Yep. You heard right- while the therapy sessions-" If you could call it that(They were more therapeutic to me then anyone, really-). "Are free, the booze, is not, however." Now no one liked that, but they were kind of drunk and off their rocker's, so they didn't exactly have any other thing to do but to either pay up or stay behind.

A lot of the people were able to just pay off the debt(We had a fair amount of the upper class here today- me now being included into that category if my bulging wallet was any indication.), some were not so lucky.

"Hm, let's see; we have Overra, Kurono, Oftendistracted, Kayo, Delta- how are you here? You're a Captain?" I looked over to him. He was a short guy, about 5'6, short red hair in singular locks, wearing a tuxedo under some shoulder pads, gauntlets, shin guards, and boots. "I may or may not have squandered away all my Squads budget buying thing from that human shopping channel." He told me, slurping from a cup shaped like a holy chalice that had a silly straw made of gold attached, a pair of '2009' light up glasses on his face, and also wearing useless assortments of jewelry everywhere, looking like some kind of spoiled Prince.

"... Right, anyway- we also have Tsuna, wait, where the hell did he run off to?" I scratched my head still looking at the clipboard.

Where would I find someone with identity issues?

Bah, you don't need to think when you literally have a small group who are in your debt to do everything you don't want to!

"And then last, but not least- karrie." "Wuh?" She looked up from her cookie with wide eyes. "Yeah, your drinks weren't free either- and you actually somehow drank more than all of these schmucks combined." I pointed back at the group that were either sleeping standing up, or drinking more booze. "But- But, how could you try to bill such a nice and innocent little girl?" She looked up at me, eyes watering. "That wouldn't have worked even if you _were_ an innocent little girl- now get in line." She just pouted and went to the back of the line.

"Okay!" I clapped my hands together. "You are now indebted towards to me, congratulations!" Confetti and balloons popped out from behind me, startling their impaired senses. "You all now have to work off your debt, we'll start off by searching for the OTHER person that needs to pay up to me! Any questions, good, let's go!" With that I marched off into the night, a group of drunk(Or hungover in one case- Delta apparently passed out at the beginning of the damn thing because he decided to keg it up straight off the bat.) Spirits in tow.

"Okay, if I was a Tuna-" "Tsuna." "Right, right, if I was a fish thing, where would I go?" I pondered as we made our way across the city. "Um, an aquarium?" "No, that's too fishy." "Sushi bar?" "No, that's too Asian." "Well, how about a bonfire- that involves half the city burning to the ground?" "No, karrie, that's where _you_ would be. Okay come on, now, people- think for a minute!" Not the best thing to get drunk people to attempt. "Where could he be?!" They all looked at each other. "What about another bar?" Hm. That one was actually plausible. "Okay! To the nearest bar!"

"I don't think Delta meant a gay one when he mentioned the idea." Overra slurred as we stood outside 'The Reverse Cowboy'. "Nonsense, this is a bar, and I am sure a fine establishment! That being said, karrie, you go in to find him." She just looked at me. "Why me?" "Duh, because cowboys have guns, and where guns are, there isn't fire too far behind-" She couldn't have gotten through those doors any faster if she tried.

"Huh. Wonder what's taking her so long?" I wondered as I looked at my watch. "It's been over half an hour, and I'm running out of booze to sate these guys- ah, there she is. So, did you find hi- why are covered in G-strings?" I asked her as she walked out, staring straight ahead, not caring for the dozen or so things hanging off her shoulders and head. "No. But I did learn what a lap dance is." "Huh, really? Well that's gre-" "Never again." Well okay then.

"Well, he wasn't in the bar, so I don't know where he could be. Any other ideas?" They all scrunched up their faces to try and figure out where he was. "Um, what about the park?" Oftendistracted asked, more then said, as I pondered that idea. "Well, not like we have any other reliable leads- screw it, let's go." Quickly as we could(Not very fast when everyone kept stumbling over each other-) we made our way to the park.

"Hm. Well, I feel Reishi activity, so that's a good sign he's there. Or at least someone that _does_ know where he is is there." I muttered as we entered the field/park. "Hello? Anyone here?" I asked into the field, my small army drunkenly following me through it.

"Well, well, well. Look at what we have here, boys- a couple of morons who came into the wrong place at the best of times- for us, at least." Glancing over at the swings, I saw 3 finely dressed gentlemen, one with blonde hair and a small beard, another with black hair, and the last with brown hair. "Howdy, there, neighbors! I've been going around all night, and I just can't seem to be able to find this person I was looking for, would you happen to know where he is?" I asked them as I approached the swing set. "We probably have- and we also probably killed him like we are gonna do to you all now!" They grinned and summoned Quincy bows, all blue in color. "Ah, hell. It's always the Quincy's-" I muttered as I dodged three sets of arrows and landed near my group.

"Alright, Delta and karrie, you're on me, we're gonna squash queery, gaybo, and sir faggio over there. The rest of you stay back, and don't interfere unless either Delta or karrie are about to die." "What about you?" I looked back at Overra. "I'm the main character- I can't die, you dunce. Now move out! We got some Nazi Douchebags to kick the living ass of!" I yelled as everyone got into position. Soon enough, the three douchebags approached where we were standing side by side.

"Okay, I'll take sir faggio, while you two decide who gets the retard brothers." I told them as them and their opponents split up. "So- wanna watch as your brethren get their faces stomped by my posse?" He just smirked and flipped his hair. "Oh, I'll watch alright- but it won't be us that are going down."

"Alright, time for some bloodshed!"

"I apologize, girly, but I am afraid I am going to have to kill you." Yeah- I'd love to see you try, meat bag. "But I will, however, divulge your executioner today- I am Blöd, of the Eigenartig brothers, and my specialty-" He didn't get to finish before karrie appeared before him and slashed at his head.

"-Is the Quincy speed technique, Hirenkyaku." He finished as the him in front of karrie vanished and he reappeared behind her, causing her eyes to widen. "Now kindly die." He shot an arrow right behind into karries back. "You don't burn enough, has anyone ever told you that?" Now it was his turn to be surprised as she vanished and appeared a good distance away from him. "Hmph. I'll admit, I didn't expect you to be on par with my current speed, but the kiddy gloves come off now!" He yelled as he formed his Heilig Bogen in his hands.

It wasn't anything fancy- just looked like a regular hunting bow with a few grooves etched into the sides.

"This- is my Quincy pride, Hollow scum. Gaze upon it in fear, wonder, hell, even lust, but none of that will change your fa-" "Shut the fuck up and fight already- I want to see some blood before I grow a beard, damn it!" His eyebrow twitched. "Whatever!" He started throwing arrows non-stop towards karrie who just nonchalantly dodged them all. "Ha- I see I have you on the run! Well you should be worried, Hollow, as my brother is even BETTER at firing arrows than me-" He was getting cut off quite a bit lately as karrie appeared behind him and slammed his face into the ground. "No talk, you burn now." She stated simply as she grabbed him by the collar and held him up, her other hand lighting up in flames. "Burny burny." And then there was a massive explosion- though not of fire.

"Tch, I can't believe I had to release my limiters against such a lowly creature, but at least she won't be a problem anymore." He spat as he looked down in the crater he created. "Why. Don't. You. BURN?!" karrie leapt up from the crater and punched the douche in the face, making him spin into the air.

She should have aimed lower.

"Die, die, DIE!" She under him and kept punching him in the stomach, before drop kicking him into the ground. But unluckily(For me-) he caught himself before he hit the ground, and grit his teeth. "I should say the same to you!" He took out a Gintō and opened it. "Wolke!" With the use of Reiryoku, he cushioned his fall. "Now try not to blink, because you might miss this next attack." He smirked as he vanished again, this time appearing next to karrie in the air, seeming to throw more Heilig Pfeil at her before she shot a Bala at him, but then disappeared again before it could hit him, reappearing at another spot, and doing the same thing three more times as they played cat and mouse, but she didn't apparently see the fact he left dozens of arrows every time he went to another spot.

"Oh, this is gonna hurt." I said as I munched on some more popcorn.

"So, feeling pretty accomplished, eh?" He asked her as she surrounded him in pillars of fire. "Yep." She said simply before she clasped her hands together and sent the pillars to fry him, only for him to smirk. "Nachbild Sperrfeuer." And then the arrows went and made swiss cheese out of her.

"Yep- that had to hurt." I said as I ate more popcorn and switched my view to the other fight.

"Hello! I am Trottel of the Eigenartig brothers, and I am most efficient with my Gintō. What is your name?" Delta just sipped from his cup. "Delta." "Delta! The name of a worthy foe! Well then, now that the introductions are over with, engarde!" He said as he pulled out a Gintō and used it to make a FREAKING LIGHTSABER?!

Why do the Nazi Douchebags get all the cool stuff?!

Delta stopped sipping from his cup and sighed. "Do I have to?" "You're on the clock for my debt, you little shit, so hell yeah you'll go against the Nazi version of a Jedi!" He just sighed again. "Damn." And pulled out his sword.

Yeah, he better put in effort when he's working for me.

"I wonder if I remembered to pay the life insurance this month-" Delta talked to himself as he crossed blades with the Quincy equivalent of a Jedi. "Probably not." "You should really pay attention when you are fighting someone of my calibur, Taicho-Dono." The Quincy revealed as he pulled out another bottle of energy to go. "Change the effervescent sun rays on the world - Strudel!" He flipped the bottle in the air, causing it's contents to fly everywhere and expand, creating a makeshift whirlpool made of Reiryoku that was slowly swallowing Delta in its depths.

"Wishing I had paid the bills now!" Delta yelled as he was swallowed by the spell. "Well, it seems my spell casting was just too-" He was cut off when his spell was cut in half, revealing an enraged Delta without his glasses. "You PUNK! Those glasses cost more than your god damn HOUSE!" He yelled as he landed a punch square across his opponents face. "And don't even get me STARTED on the chalice! That thing was made from an entire _tenth_ of the human worlds gold!" He growled as he shunpoed to where his enemy had landed.

"And they say _I'm_ the crae-crae one." I said rolling my eyes. "Oi, I didn't tell you to stop." I ordered Oftendistracted as he went back to giving me a massage. "Oh yeah- get those crinks out of my neck, that's where most of my tension against the world is held."

"This is for the glasses-" Delta said as he held the Quincy against the ground and punched his face. "This is for the chalice-" He said again, punching his face harder. "And THIS is for my god, damn, SILLY STRAW!" He yelled as he attempted to break his skull, but missed as the Quincy got out of the hold at the last moment. "Well, that hurt-" He brushed himself off and pulled _another_ bottle out. "A silver rod strikes the five-fingered stone bed - Gritz!" He threw the bottle at Delta, still on the ground, and it expanded into a five frame barrier of sorts, enclosing him in it's space. "Oi- anyone home?" Delta knocked on the inside of the barrier. "Guess not." Yeah, no one was home alright-

At least in his _head_ they weren't.

"Oh, I'm not done yet, Shinigami." The prick said as he pulled out- okay, time out, where the hell was he getting these things? He doesn't have any boobs to pull things out of, so I'm just going to assume he sticks these up his bum and pulls it out in the middle of battles not only for convenience, but for a sick pleasure as well.

Laugh all you want, you don't know Quincy's as well as I do.

They'd stick an arrow up their ass if it meant they could stuff more 'Quincy Pride' inside their bodies-

"Feel the mind slip as the body grows weary from the arduous day - Angemessen!" He aimed and threw the bottle perfectly right between the small glory hole in the front of the barrier, causing a transparent shield to enclose around the already strong barrier. "Our battle was short, but memorable, my Shinigami foe. But it is done." He said, walking back towards where me and his brother were watching the fight. "It's cute that you think this is- what?!" Delta apparently found out about the _other_ spell that was trapping him inside the barrier.

Angemessen was a Quincy spell, often used in conjunction with other Gintō barrier spells(Such as Gritz.) that used both a Hollow's and Shinigami's own molecular structure against them. It absorbed Reishi, reiryoku, Reiatsu, and the like that is trapped inside the shield to power up it's own binding capabilities, and considering Shinigami were, in essence, _Reiryoku_ constructs, and their attacks used _Reiatsu_ , well-

He was fucked.

And if that wasn't enough, my other crew member was thrown to the floor, battered and beaten with arrows sticking out everywhere, right next to the damn thing that beat my OTHER posse member.

"... So… Trade ya posse members?" I asked as I looked at the empty spot next to me.

Of course not.

"Okay, how about we skip the whole 'We are gonna rip out your testicles, then take out your eyes and place them where your eyes used to be, then do the same with your eyeballs and your nus' thing, and just get to the part where I shove an even _bigger_ pole up your asses than the current ones that are in there, yeah?" I told them as I stood in front of the 2 _worst posse members_ - _ever_ , and blocked them from the 3 Quincy's view. "I would love to see you try- Trottel, Blöd, kill him!" The blonde one ordered his brothers as the one who probably frequently had premature ejaculation problems used his speed technique to get further from me as the other prepared some Gintō and threw them into the sky. "Heizen!" The four bottles contents converged and formed a rectangular prism of sorts that came spiraling at me.

"Wonder what I'm going to get for breakfast?" I muttered to myself as the spell came closer to me. "Hm. There _is_ that leftover pizza from last night, but I'm not sure if it'll be there when I get back." "Um, Setsumei-" "That's not what I told you to call me when you address me, whelp." "Ugh, do I really have to say that?" "What's that noise- it's almost as if someone is trying to get my attention so he doesn't get completely obliterated by the attack hurdling straight for him if I were to just _step aside_ -" "Alright, alright, fine!" I heard him take a breath. "Please, almighty and knowing Boss-KunSenpaiKoiSamaDonoSenseiSan, save me from the big bad scary Quincy men that are trying to violate my young, innocent body-" "... The fuck was that last part-" "JUST SAVE ME, GODDAMN IT!" Yeesh-

Some people are so rude.

Without even looking in it's direction, I pointed my finger towards the attack. "Purga de todo el Mundo." Creating a thin orange beam, it shot forward, completely obliterating the spell coming at me. "What?!" The quincy wondered out loud as he dodged the beam by sidestepping it.

Big mistake.

"Boom, baby!" I said as my beam struck the floor next to the Quincy, causing a massive explosion that pretty much fucked up the park we were fighting in, all but annihilating the Quincy's existence from the world. "That's Gaybo down- just Queery and Sir Faggio left to go!" I cracked my neck to the side, thus dodging the arrow aimed at my head by centimeters. "He sure does seem to want to die too, apparently."

He seemed rather mad that I had killed his brother, though, as he was just about foaming from the mouth as he appeared about a hundred feet in front of me, directly across the crater I had created with my last attack. "You know, you keep that face up, it'll freeze like that-" Cue dodging dozens of arrows. "Man, all I'm trying to do is look out for ya, buddy, and you gotta play me like that?" I appeared next to him and leaned on his shoulder with my arm. "Just to let you know though, so you don't make that mistake again in the 5 minutes you have left to live- homie don't play that game." I grinned maliciously as his eyes widened and he vanished to the end of the crater I was just at. "You- You damn Hollow scum! DIE!" He said as he used the same technique he used against karrie to appear and disappear everywhere while leaving arrows behind that would go off after a set time, only this time the scale was much larger than the previous one.

Too bad I wouldn't have fallen for that even if I hadn't seen it before.

"Sorry, Queery, ain't happenin'- because HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT! La Ira de Conquistador!" I yelled as I inhaled, then exhaled as the arrows came at me, causing them to slow and eventually stop as the air around me hit subzero temperatures. "What did you-" "I'm just chill like that, dawg." I told him as I appeared behind him in his hiding spot in one of the few trees left, and slammed him into the thing. "Hey, you know what's pale, has a ten foot stick up it's ass, and annoys the _fuck_ out of me?" I didn't give him time to reply as black mist started to pour from my mouth. "You- alive _or_ dead!" I grinned as I opened his mouth and placed mine near his. "No homo- Estrangulador Nocivo." I whispered to him as mist went into his mouth and nose, entering his system. "Well, this sure has been a swell time, but, you know- bitches to go, places to fuck, etc, etc." I told him as he started to bleed from all of his orifices(Well, I'm guessing all of them- no way I was dropping his pants to check.), even his eyes as he clawed at his throat. "To be perfectly honest, I know how poisonous our Reiatsu is to you- which is why I'm shocked you're still alive. Hm." I pondered as he fell to the floor, slowly dieing.

"Well, I'm anything if not _merciful_ , so I'll just end your suffering here." I told him as I lifted him off the ground, made him stand, and started to dust him off as if I was sending him off to school for the first time. "You Be good… Wherever it is you people go, when you die-" I told him as if he was a small child, and then forced him onto all fours before punting him into the air above the crater.

"Four!" I yelled as I shot a minute amount of Reiasu at his flying form, causing it to explode upon impact with him. "I am totally unsure if I used that phrase correctly… Or even if I spelled it right." I stood next to the crater again, sipping from the gold chalice and silly straw that used to belong to Delta(Hey, he's in my debt- anything he owns is basically mine at this point.). "And then there was one." I muttered as I looked over to where the rest of my rag tag group was trying to get Delta out of his improvised glory hole session.

Shame the hole was plugged up already- that would have made for a fantastic joke.

Or a great way to get my dick chopped off- either or.

"Alright, get these karrie of here while me and Hobo-San here deal with Faggio." I told them all as I touched the second spell holding him prisoner, and overloaded it with my own Reiatsu. "Wait, how are you going to get me ou-" I cut him off by breaking the first spell by literally punching it, causing it to crumble apart.

And also caused him to be sent flying back as I had punched straight through the thing to punch him in the face. I can easily claim that was a mistake though, as I didn't 'know' where his head could possibly be at in there.

Totally.

"Alright, Delta, come here." I told him after he cleaned up his bloody nose. "You are going to distract him, while I charge up an attack to finish him, got it?" I asked him as he nodded hesitantly. "Can't you just go ape shit on his butt so I don't have to become swiss cheese like ka-" "I don't remember giving you permission to speak." I glared at him. "But-" "Ah!" He just stared at me, sighed, and walked off to handle the third Quincy.

"Okay, time to get my ultimate attack rea-" A ring cut my train of thought off as I checked to see who it was. "Oh my gawd- it's Leshawnda!" I gasped as I clicked talk. "Hey Gurlfriend, how's it been going?" "Um, Boss-man, I could use some help he-" "Shut up! I'm busy here!" I told him as he continued to dodge more arrows. "Sorry about that, just some prick- so, how have you and Tyrone been?" I waggled my eyebrows as Delta screamed and ran away from a storm of arrows. "Wait, he did WHAT?! Oh, that is SO not kosher, hun. What should you do? Gurl, you gotta go up to his ass-" "Oh dear god, not my ass! Anything but the- AH! THE FACE!" "You tell him straight up that you ain't takin' his shit-" "Oh god, I can't feel my legs- I can't feel anything, now that I think about it." "And then you tell him to either skip out on the late night booty calls or you is kicking his ass oughta your house!" "Help- me." Delta said as he crawled over to me and shook my pants leg. "Ugh- hang on, I'll call you back, sugar tits." I told her as I hung up the phone. "What is so important that you interrupted my phone call?" "I- tag, out. So, many arrows- so, much, defiling." He passed out at that point, looking no better than karrie did. "Kids these days- no respect." I shook my head and threw him out onto the sidewalk outside the park as I went to the crater in the middle of the park.

"Alright, so how are we going to do this?" I asked to the seemingly empty park as I attempted to find the Lsmjudoka wanna-be the lazy way(As in, not wasting effort in using a Pesquisa to find the trash.).

Seriously- his beard comes nowhere close to the magnificence of what is on that man's face.

Hell, it is so magnificent I remember making that card about it in Cards Against Humanity.

… It was an awkward game that round.

Still won it though.

"It would appear my incompetent brothers couldn't even finish a lowly Hollow like you." "To be fair, they _did_ kind of beat my posse… No matter how weak they _were_ -" I muttered to myself as I turned to face him. "It seems I shall be your opponent, and subsequent killer here, Hollow." He said as he summoned his bow.

This one was a little more intricate than his brother's, with it seeming to be some sort of pentagonal shooting point, with 2 arrows tipping up and down towards him to make it seem like a complete bow.

"Yeah, better men than you… In fact, I'm fairly sure _every_ man other than you has tried." I told him as I crouched and prepared to rush him. "I suppose introductions are in order- Verzögern, of the late Eigenartig, it would seem." "Person who doesn't care- we done now? Good!" I yelled as I rushed at him. "It would seem stupid to tell you what my specialty is, but somehow I know you either won't listen to it or won't actually have the brainpower to figure out a counter, so, my specialty-" I had to stop my advance as over a hundred arrows came speeding a me. "-Is my Heilig Pfeil." He smugly stated as I backed up, ducking and weaving to avoid the arrows.

"Of course I get the guy who specializes in sharp, pointy things!" I yelled as I had to once more dodge the arrows. "It would be easier for you to just give up and die- I can fire over one hundred of these in an instant." He said as he aimed an arrow stronger than the others right at my head, which was sent flying and hit it's target and made my head reel backward..

"Oley." I said as I moved my head back, showing I had caught it in between my teeth. "What?! I packed too much Reishi into that arrow for you to have been able to simply _catch it_ in between your teeth!" He hissed as I took the arrow out of my mouth and started picking my teeth with it. "Newsflash- you could put all your Reiatsu into an arrow, and it would still barely be able to prick my most vulnerable spot- which is ironically my prick." I told him as I took a bite out of the thing in my hand. "Huh- tastes like dead plants and soot." He boiled in rage as he sent more arrows at me. "Hm. That tickled, huh, barely even felt that one- oh, wait, I think that last one scuffed up my shoe." He just kept shooting more and more at me, slowly losing his aim as they bounced off my Hierro. "Look, buddy, pal; your arrows are no match for my amazing abs and steel pecs- I mean, I can cut _diamond_ with these things if I made it into a fucking knife!" I told him as I lifted up my hand. "But this whole, 'Let you take your stab at me' thing has gone on long enough, I think, so, au revoir, bitch ass!" I shouted at him as I sent out a small Cero(I didn't want anymore property damage then what I am sure I will have to pay for right now-) to obliterate him-

Which would have happened had he not used some bull shit to literally dissipate my attack.

"Oh come on- what kind of bull shit is that?" I asked as I dodged the arrow that shattered my attack. "Sadly for you, even if I can't damage you, you yourself cannot attack me, so we are at an impasse." He smirked.

Okay, fuck money- becoming poor again will be worth it to fucking wipe that smirk off his face!

"Okay, you little shit- shatter, THIS!" I threw a bigger Cero at him this time, but he was still able to dissipate it with his arrow. "The FUCK bull is that?!" I screamed as I sent more Cero's at him, only for them all to be shattered. "You are so dead you little-" I was cut off when an arrow whizzed past my face and cut my cheek.

… Wait, _cut my cheek_ -

"Shit!" I yelled as I dodged the arrows that were thrown at me. Now that I think about it, too, those stupid things were a darker color then they were before. But that made no sense, _unless_ \- "Oi, fucker-" I said as I dodged more arrows. "You wouldnt happen to be one of those Gemischt Quincy's I've heard about, right? And if you were, one of your parents wouldn't have happened to have been attacked by, say, oh, a _Hollow_ , would they?" His sneer was all the answer I needed.

Son of a bitch! He wasn't as affected by Hollow Reiasu as regular Quincy's, AND he could take my fucking leftover residual energy to power up his shots enough to hurt me!

This was turning out to be more of an effort than it was worth-

"Okay then- two can play this retarded game of archery!" I told him as I stopped behind a tree and prepared my next attack while he rained down upon the tree. "This is fucking shit that I have to put _effort_ into this battle." I muttered to myself as I moved my hands across the air once, then did it again lower than the first time, then again, this time higher than the first time, creating a sickly yellow Reishi billowing in front of me. "Time for an orchestra." I cracked my neck as the tree finally couldn't take anymore punishment and fell from the Quincy's onslaught, revealing him not too far away from my position.

"You know Quincy, I don't think you have a right appreciation for mother nature- I mean, I know I do, but only because I like to think of mother nature all but naked with only a leaf covering her most private areas." I told him as I outlined a kick ass figure in the air with my hands. "And I don't think she'd right appreciate what you did to her creation right there-" I conveniently ignored the fact I had destroyed the dozens of other of her creations here today. "So I think a little… _punishment_ is in order." I told him as I placed a single finger right before the Reishi filled air. "So have a little taste of my own creation- Concierto de Asesino." With the words slipping from my mouth, and impossibly too fast to track orange Bala came out of where my finger was pointing in the Reishi and went whizzing past the Quincy's head and off into the distance.

"With this little trick, I gather the Reishi in the air, similar to a Garganta, but instead of ripping the universe itself apart, I let it accumulate at one point, so that if I add my own bit of Reiatsu-" I held up smoking finger that was covered in red Reiatsu. "It will expel a blast equivalent to or lesser to the amount of Reiatsu I feed it- in this case, a Bala that doesn't have the power of a regular one, but with a much greater potential speed, thus giving it a much greater force when it finally slams into that thick head of yours instead of a concussive blast/explosion like it usually gives. And don't worry." I smiled at him as I raised all five fingers next to the Reishi. "I won't miss next time."

Surprised I actually sounded smart there for a second? Don't be- I Googled everything.

"Let's rumble, kiddo- Round one, BEGIN!" I yelled as I started to shoot Bala's off like they were on sale for Black Friday, while my opponent started shooting more, but lower powered arrows to keep up with my own onslaught of projectiles.

I looked over at the camera as my fingers did their work. "You know, I like to imagine there is a guitar I am shredding the shit out of as I am doing these hand gestures." I said as I returned back to the fight. "You ready to give up yet, Quincy?" He just smirked as we temporarily stopped firing. "You seem to forget I can collect the Reishi around us, and consistently fire more while you will eventually run out of power to do anything." "Yeah- and you seem to be forgetting I've only been using one hand, and you could barely keep up then." I told him as I lifted up my other hand, which was busy on my phone. "So can I call Leshawnda back, or no?" His eye twitched and he grit his teeth.

"FUCK IT! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" He yelled as he took off the white glove on his right arm, causing the area around him to burst from the surge of power. "Shit biscuits." I said as I looked at him. Then I looked down at my attack, only to see it drifting towards the Quincy. "Double shit biscuits." I looked back up to see an arrow pointed at my face. "Triple-" I had to dodge to the side to avoid the worst of the attack, but it still was able to rip off my left arm, cauterizing the wound and evaporating any blood that had managed to spill out. "GOD DAMN IT!" I yelled as I clutched my torn shoulder. "THAT WAS MY JACKIN' IT ARM!" I dodged again to the right, this time avoiding getting a limb ripped off, but it still grazed my side. "Okay, that's it!" I said as I stomped the ground. "Oscura Barrera de Materia!" I shouted as crystals popped out from the area my foot hit, creating a barrier that prevented him from reaching him.

Or I thought it would, but one arrow almost broke the entire thing. "God damn it, what the hell am I supposed to do here against Douche Ex Machina?!" I asked myself as I Sonidoed out of the way of another one. "Guess I dodge and wait for him to tucker OUT!" I screamed as he appeared behind me and took out my leg.

Well so much for dodging.

"Listen, buddy, you are probably low on steam, here, so why don't we just talk it out like-" I couldn't finish as he readied _another_ arrow that I had to do something about. "Well, this is my most sacrificial technique that I didn't want to use- _ever_ , but you had to be a dick!" I said as I quickly regrew my left arm, only to rip it off again and coat in my Reiatsu. "Hope this kills you and not me, ya prick! Una Posición Armada : La Maldición de la Hondonada!" It was quite a mouthful.

My arm that was coated in red Reiatsu suddenly started spinning in circles, soon going at speeds that were faster than most people's Sonido's and Shunpo's, soon starting to destabilize from the speed it was going, and then, once fully gone, shot out a MASSIVE red blast, easily dwarfing any of the Espada's Grande Ray Cero, and clashing with the arrow of the Quincy, causing a mass explosion at which we were the epicenter of.

Soon after the explosion, I was able to sit up and cough as I looked at the devastation.

Nothing was left of the park(Even the previous crater had been eclipsed by the entire blast of the attacks.), all that was there was a massive new lot for a swimming pool. I sighed and laid back down. "I can't believe I wasted my arm on a _Quincy_ of all things." I muttered as I sat up to go back to the bar and retrieve my things before the night ended and the hoomahns found this monstrosity, and by extension, my superiors. "Well, still don't know where- GAH!" I was pinned to the ground by an arrow to the shoulder. "Fucking shit, mate! I thought I was rid of you with that attack!" Where as I was just burned in multiple places, without an arm and a leg, he didn't look too damaged other than the countless 2nd and 3rd degree burns across his body, with his suit in tatters, barely covering his junk. "I, will, kill, you, you PEST!" He yelled as he loaded up one more arrow and all but shoved it near my head. "Now, die!" He hissed as he was about to shove it into my head-

 **POOF!**

Well that was convenient.

"Well, well, well- looks like we have a good for nothing hoomahn just RIPE for the plucking here folks!" I grinned as the arrow in my shoulder disappeared the same time his powers did. "I may be out of an arm for a few days because of you, but oh boy- no one said I had to have both my arms to fuck up a hoomahn!" I exclaimed as I grabbed him by the throat with my one good arm(Well, my only arm I suppose at this point.) and used what was left of my Reiatsu to get my leg back. "Now, here's what is gonna happen, you little shit." I told him as I threw him to the ground on his stomach and snapped my fingers. As soon as I did, karrie(Looking as good as new-) popped up next to me and handed me a 10 foot pole.

Oh yeah, this was happening.

"I am going to do this out of necessity- not because I want to, but because people like you need to learn their place." I told him as I inspected the pole. "After all of this, I was willing to just go back on with my day, go back to the KKK-" He looked at me weirdly at that. "-Get my stuff, send out a man hunt for a damn runner when he needed to pay me my bill- but no. You just _HAD_ to shoot an arrow through my shoulder and ruin my day, didn't you?" I asked him as I nealt down to his level.

"You've been a naughty boy, Quincy. And naughty boys-" I grinned and pulled down his pants. "Need PUNISH-

 **END FLASHBACK, END THE DAMN FLASHBACK FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY, JESUS CHRIST!**

"Aw, we were getting to the good part." The looks I was receiving were not pleasant ones. "Okay, so- more examples then?"


	2. Santa owes me a new pair of boots!

"Oi, Tsuna-" "It's Yami now, actually." "Yeah, yeah, whatever, just hurry up with those decorations will ya? We don't have all day, the celebration is less than 2 days away, and we only have the basic concept of what we are doing for the party!" "I get that, but you kind of just shoved a Hole Card into my hand- my _own_ Hole Card, mind you- and sent me on a 'Frivolous quest filled with danger, boons beyond my wildest dreams, and a crap ton of ladies that need a little bit of loving in their boring lives' to get decorations for a party I HAVE NO CLUE IS ABOUT, MIND YOU!" "Yep." "But I have yet find out just _how_ this 'Quest' has any value to me- let alone these 'Boons' you were talking about!" "The 'Boons' is me not stealing your credit card again if you don't screw this up."

At least for another week.

Maybe.

"Okay, while I can definitely see the perks of _that_ , you also said there would be crap ton of women for me to have a little fun with!" "Yeah- and there is." "Boy, half these women are more thick than _ME_ \- and a lot hairier too!" "Don't worry, buddy- the hair is just from the infinite amount of cats they have in their apartments." "GAH! I still don't even know what the hell it is I am doing this FOR!" "You seem to have conveniently skipped over the first bit of that quest list." "Yeah, that's the one bit you seem to have gotten down to the 'T'- those ladies are freaking scary once they see a sale on even the smallest of decor." Maybe I should have gotten him more prepared for this by giving him a baseball bat, a helmet, suit of armor, a cup, and an infinite amount of estrogen?

Oh well, next time, I thought as I sipped from my mug using my silly straw.

"Why do you think I gave YOU this job?" "I want to say it was because you knew that I was the most qualified for this job, and knew that no matter how difficult the task, you knew I would get it done, despite how perilous the journey was, with next to no reward in it for me?"

Pfffffff- "Sure."

Sure…

"Riiiiiiiight, anyway, would you at least TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IT IS I ALMOST LOST MY JUNK FOR?!" "How the hell do you not know? It's that time of year again!" "Oh dear god, do I need to get my bunker ready for Oracion Eve?" "No, no- not _yet_ , anyway. That's still a few days away- but besides the point, it's almost Christmas, which means we have to throw a party for all the boys and grills of WoB!" "... The hell is a 'WoB'-" "Er, I meant for all the boys and grills of the afterlife." "Ooooooh- that makes sense." "Yes, and you are kind of the last person we are waiting on, so if you would HURRY THE HELL UP!" "Okay, just one last question-" "Ugh, what?" "What's 'Christmas'?"

…

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS IS?!" "Gah! My ear-" "Christmas is that hoomahn holiday in which they celebrate the birth of some Mexican guy named Jesoos, or something- but the more important fact for this holiday, is that the foolish hoomahns actually receive GIFTS- all while claiming it to be this Saint Nick person that has given them the presents!" "... And that's important, how-" "I wouldn't expect you to understand why, but for now, all you need to worry about is GETTING THE HELL OVER HERE AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE!" With one last click, I finally put my phone down as I sank further into my seat.

I was currently inside my office(Where I totally had stuff to do, and didn't just sit inside pretending to do things so that I wouldn't actually have to do things- nope.), which was quite spacious given my ranking in the world. Complete with a fireplace right behind my (Mahogany.) desk, with which I sat at a very comfortable black recliner that could spin 360 degrees(Weeeee!) at a notice, with polished hardwood floors, brown, wooden walls filled with paintings of… Holy crap, I didn't even know what they were pictures of- I just bought them because they looked fancy! E-hem, anyways, back on track, smack dab in the middle of the room(Right in front of the desk and behind the plastic chairs in front of the desk that gave people to sit down if they so needed- what, not like I was going to give people to sit in chairs even _half_ as good as my own!) was a bear skin rug(Polar bear, cleaned with L'Oreal- because I'm worth it.). And the only other noticeable aspect to the room was the chandelier(Very ornate- or so I'm told by the guy that sold me it at the very cheap price of 1 billion Souls!) hanging below the ceiling and the door(Also wooden, if you couldn't somehow fathom to guess even after the rest of the details I've given about this room.), which had numerous regal cravings throughout it's entirety. Except for the tiny, insignificant little chipped bit right at the god, damn top that has been taunting me ever since that stupid(Now deceased-) carver screwed it up!

"Finding good help is so hard, these days." I sighed as I sipped from my mug, looking into the fire in the fireplace as someone entered my office. "Hey hey HEY, Moo! Ready for your daily-" "If you want that tongue still attached to your mouth and not on your ass so that you'd be tasting your own ass for the rest of your life, you won't finish that sentence." "Ha ha… Right- anyway, I really came to talk about something else entirely. So if you could just, you know- turn around so that we can both see each other-" "If I turn around and you are naked, not even Lsm will find the body." "Wh-What? Me? Indecent?! Never!" "Says the boy who attempted to strip and streak right in front of everyone during the last tournament inside the arena." "Hey! At least I didn't _actually_ do it-" "No, because me and Amaterasu both literally pinned you into your seat- with our _swords_." "Well, that's- oh come on! Just turn around!" Indulging him a little, I finally swivelled to the front of the room, looking at him finally.

Acnologia.

And no- not the awesome dragon of legend from Fairy Tail.

This one was much more disappointing.

Standing(At best-) 5'6, with mousy brown hair that was rather short and spiky, he looked very non-threatening.

Especially considering the fact that he was also pale as hell and wearing nothing but a box to cover his 'Manliness'(I use the term loosely.).

"What the hell do you want, Acnologia?" "Well." He began and went to sit down-

"Sit down and you won't be sitting ever again." And then stood back up. "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation just now-" "Eavesdropping." "Yeah, that. Anyway, I couldn't help but hear that there is going to be a party thrown in less than 2 days, and that a certain _someone_ wasn't invited- hm?" "Oh my god, I can't believe I forgot!" "Heheh, I can't either-" "I have to get a hold of Zero-Hime some time today to make sure she has time to prepare for the party!" "Yeah, can't believe you forgot about- WHAT?!" "God am I an idiot for forgetting! Though now that I think about it, I was probably distracted by thinking on what she would wear to the party… Hehehe, oh yeah, now I remember that thought process-" "COW!" "What? Where?" Looking left and right confirmed there was no cow. "What the hell are you on about this time, kid?" "I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT ZERO- I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!" "You? What about you?" "Gh- you forgot to invite me!" "No I didn't." "You didn't- this is the first time I am even HEARING about this stupid party!" "Exactly."

Man was he not good at taking hints.

"WHY THE HELL WASN'T I INVITED?!" "Do you _really_ want me to answer that?" "...No." "And that's why I'm only going to send you flying across _half_ of Hueco Mundo, and not all of it." Flipping a small case hidden under my desk(Next to many other dozens of cases similar to that one-), I pushed the button it hid. "Wait, not the chute again-" Too late, as after I pressed the button, the chandelier fell onto him, and the candle holders fell downward, holding him into place as a chute opened up where it usually hung from the ceiling, with the chandelier lifting up into it, bringing the streaker with it as the I heard a distinct 'Boom!' of a cannon being fired as the chandelier replaced itself in it's original position as the ceiling closed above it.

"Man, that 'Chand Cannon' investment was totally worth the arm and leg it took as payment to install." Besides, it's not like it was _my_ arm and leg anyway. Sipping from my straw again, I looked over the room, only to see a parting gift the dunce had left behind. Pushing a button on my desk, a speaker opened up from it soon after. "Often, I'm gonna need you to bring in the flamethrower, disinfectant, boiling water, and-" Before I could finish, the(Obviously now _rigged_ -) box exploded, sending bits and pieces everywhere as some stuck to walls, others on the paintings, and some even on my desk and ceiling.

"... A new office." Ugh.

* * *

"Alright, now that Church-" " _Yami_." "-Whatever, is back with the decorations, we can begin with the preparations for the party that is to be held in a few scant hours, so let's hustle people!" Clapping my hands, the 'Volunteers'(Unpaid, of course. Not that I didn't _try_ to pay them for all their hard work, it's just that they wouldn't accept the money!... Under threat of annihilation of course, but still-) left the circle around me and got to work.

"I must say, Mu, that it was very generous of you to get us this ballroom to hold our gala!" Taking out a pack, I took a stick out and lit it up. "Meh. Wasn't really that hard to get it for a party- plus, I got a great discount on it for being a frequent flyer." Of the owner's wife- but he didn't need to know that, obviously.

Just like he didn't need to know this room was being used… For either of the aforementioned things above.

"Um, I don't mean to question you, but, you realize that you just put a candy stick in your mouth instead of a cigarette, correct?" "Yep." "And instead of an actual lighter, you kind of just… made a gesture with your fingers to replicate one." "Indeed." "... Might I inquire as to why?" "You may not." "Ah… I see."

"..." "..." "... You seriously not gonna follow up on that?" "Ah, why would I do that when you said it was unacceptable to do so?" "You take everything too seriously, Boss Lady." I sighed as I rubbed the back of my head and turned to my (Somewhat-) boss.

Amaterasu(AKA Boss Lady.) was a fairly imposing figure head(For a _girl_ that is.) when she needed to be one, being around 5'10(A literal _inch_ taller than me- which is such horse crap!) with long black hair cascading down her back, over the maroon cape and red ribbon she had tied to her neck and shoulder, with a long sleeve, button up white dress shirt and grey skirt with black stockings, and dress shoes as well. Then with the sword strapped to her hip, she cut out the image of a very intimidating woman.

She also looked like a schoolgirl without the sword.

I also screamed like a schoolgirl last time I said that to her face without a sword.

"But, you said to-" "Just ignore everything I say from now on." God knows everyone else already does. "Anyway, did you get what I asked for?" At that she beamed and nodded. "Oh yes! And I must say, they are of quite impeccable condition!" "Well? Don't leave me in suspense woman, let me see it!" I grinned as she went over to an already set up table and opened up a box to pull something out.

"Ta-Da!" "Oh ho! That thing looks even better than I imagined it would! Where in the afterlife did you manage to find it?" "Well, while I was wandering the streets of Kyoto, trying to figure out where I would find what you had requested, when suddenly, I look inside of a shopping center, and I see someone wearing an immaculate version of what you wanted! And so, I entered and went to confront the man to see where he had gotten it!"

Why did I not like the way this sounded?

"Uh-huh." "And so, on my way over to him, I saw a line of children blocking my path! But I was dedicated and determined to talk to the man, so I had to push my way through the horde of mini-mission crushers!" Oh dear. "And as I was in the middle of getting past one particularly difficult child- who obviously was built for protecting this man from those that may harm him, as he was very large and crying out 'Get away from us!' as sweat poured down his face from trying to push me back!" That poor chubby choom choom. "But I persevered! And soon, I moved onward to my goal, but shortly thereafter, a group of men came charging at me, and it was to my surprise that I found myself on the receiving end of a sneak attack!" Wonder how much this scarred those kids mentally… Or physically, in that fat kids sake- "But they were too slow to stop me!" Hoomahn mall guards being too slow to stop a spiritual entity who holds a massive depth of power? Noooooo. "And soon, I kicked one back into an establishments window, then punched one in the chest, which sent him flying as well, but into another foe! And I turned around just in time to see one sneak behind me with some form of electrical weapon!" Mall security has tasers? "But before he could use his weapon, I kicked it out of his hand, grabbed it myself, and used it to hit his most vital area!" Please don't tell me- "Right between the legs, where he left himself most unguarded!" I'll have to remember to send a gift basket to that person's family. "And after that, there was no one in between me and my goal! But as soon as I walked over to greet the fine sir, he started to perspire and scream rather loudly as he hid behind the miniature house that was next to his throne while he wagged an oversized candy cane at me, telling me to stay back, but I still needed to ask him something, so I went closer, and he finally told me I could have whatever I wanted, so I asked him where I may acquire one of the finest suits like he himself had, and he just told me I could have his! What a nice fellow, that one!" Make that two gift baskets…

"Well, that was certainly… something- but uh, I just have _one_ last question." "And that would be?" "Where did you get the beard?" "The same place as I got the rest, silly! Were you not listening to my tale?" "Yeah, I was, but that thing is made of _real_ hair." "Yes, of course it is. Why would it not?" … "While the, *Cough* thought was nice, I think for my plans I can go without the beard."

Though I would be needing quite a bit of the spiked eggnog before this night was through…

"Anyway, thanks for getting it, I can go get dressed up for the party now instead of waiting however long it was I thought I would be having to wait." "It was of no trouble, Mu, now if you will excuse me, I too have to get ready for this festive occasion!" With that said, she was off.

"... I should really get around to teaching her to a little less ignorant on the effect she has on people." Meh.

Next time.

"Uxukie! Uxukie!" Turning my head, I saw a white haired male, about 5'7, in a black suit with a red cape(It was like a Superman cape- but larger.) tied around his neck come barreling at me, but tripped at the last second on his cape and went face sliding all the way to my feet instead. "Hm. You stuck the landing near perfectly, but because of your style, grace, and overall because it is _you_ we are talking about, I'll give you a 3.7." When he looked up from my feet he saw me holding up a white sign with a bold '3.7' on it.

New record for him, if I recall correctly.

"This isn't the time for that, Ux- wait, 3.7? Holy cow, that's a new record! Wait, that's besides the point!" "And what _is_ the point?" "Zero just came in, and she said-" "Wait, _Zero-Hime_ is here? And I'm only just hearing of this?!"

WHY IS THIS THE FIRST I AM HEARING OF THIS?!

"Damn it, man, focus! She said that she believes someone is going to go to Lsm and squeal about our plan!" "God damn it!" "I _know_ , right?" "I'm not even in costume yet, and she's already here! Thanks for waiting to tell me this, _Choble_!" "You're still on about that- we have bigger issues, dude! If Lsm finds out, we are so screwed!" "Relax, nobody is going to squeal to Lsm." "How the hell do you know?!"

* * *

"Ya dun fudged up, pretty boy." I told the tied up Zephyr as he struggled to get out of the chair I duct taped him to. "Should have known not to double cross me- told everyone that before I explained to them the plan, but did you listen? Of course not." Wiping the dust off my hands, I looked around at my Fraccions broom closet.

It was rather spacey- enough room to house two grown men, one strapped to a chair, with all the tools to make said male cry like a newborn tucked neatly into a corner that he also couldn't see, right along with the actual broom closets things.

This sounded like the start of a very disturbing German Dungeon Porno film.

"But seeing as how you didn't adhere to the very blatant warnings- you are in need of some punishing." I grinned as he glared at me. "Oh no, _I_ won't be doing the torturing- I still have things to prepare."

Not to mention the party was still days away and he needed to last the torturing for that long- if I was to do my form of torture, he'd be singing about a daisy girl in less than an hour.

No- this particular case needed a bit of a prolonging form of deadliness.

"So instead, I got every Bishounen's worst nightmare!" I leaned down to grin at his face. "A Yaoi Fangirl." Standing back straight, I moved to the entrance, and unlocked the door, letting the person outside in as I stepped outside myself.

"Remember Kayo, make it last for a while, we're still a ways away from Operation X-Mas." She gave me one last salute as Zephyr sweated and screamed into his gag as I closed the door. Right before I headed to my next destination, I heard a distinct unmanly scream come from the room.

Ah, he must have met El Chapo.

How they got hair onto something like THAT still makes me wonder…

* * *

"Call it a tip from a small, Mexican, female toy…" "Do, do I-" "No. You do not." "Yeah, you're probably right. Oh look! There's Zero-" "GOD DAMN IT, MY FLASHBACK MADE ME LOSE TRACK OF TIME! Noble Shield: INITIATE!" "Noble what now- HEY!" Quickly picking up Noble, I used him as a shield to hide me from the view of everyone in the room.

"Hello, Noble." Gah! That was Zero! "Oi! Act, naturally-" I whispered to him. "As natural as I can be just magically floating in the air?" He deadpanned ashe stood stiff as a board in front of me."What kind of dumb ass question is that- _yes as natural as you can be_!" "Whatever. Hey, Zero! How is the things going!" "Um, fine? I guess-" "Well that's just swell- isn't that just swell!?" "Yeeeeeeah. Um, any reason you are moving steadily toward the door… Without somehow moving your legs-" "Moving towards the-" Looking down, he saw what she was talking about.

As they had been talking, I was slowly approaching the nearest exit, in hopes of making an escape before she would notice anything off.

No dice.

"Oh, OH! That- yes, well, that is me, uuuuuh, attempting a new technique!" "... A new technique?" "Yeah! It's one of those techniques that… Allow you to… You know, move… Without moving." Smooooooooth casanova.

Real smooth.

"... Would a certain Hollow that's name depicts a sound made by a cow be right behind you, using you as a shield for gods knows what right now?" As soon as he opened his mouth I jabbed a pointy object into his back."... Nnnnnnnnnoooooooooo." "It's a candy cane, Noble." "... Yyyyyyyyyeeeeees."

"WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED! TIME FOR NOBLE RAM!" "Noble WHAT?! I don't like this plan!" "Good thing it's not a plan, then!" "Wait, that's a door! A door that's steadily DECREASING IN DISTANCE!"

 ***BAM***

"SON OF A-"

 ***BAM***

"STOP THAT!"

 ***BAM***

"God damn it, Noble Ram! Why is your head so squishy?!"

 ***BAM***

"I like… Turtles!"

 ***BAM* *CRASH***

"Freedom!" "No more sugar for me, Mrs. Crumpet, I'm diabetic!" "... Wasn't that the unlocked door I just came in from?"

* * *

"Ho ho ho! Meeeeeerry Holidays, everybody!" I raised a drink in front of the entire audience as everyone in the room roared their cheers. "Welcome, one and all, to our festive gathering on this fine night! Myself and a select group of others have decided, in light of it being the Holiday season, that we may as well throw ourselves a mighty fine swaray! And as you can see from the room around us-" Sweeping my hand in emphasis, the patrons did indeed look around at the room, basking in it's gloriousness.

I had paid no expense(Because this was all 'Borrowed' anyway… From Nightwing's credit card, of course.) in decorating the establishment for this event, the typical ballroom transforming into a Winter Wonderland complete with tinsel hung from the walls and the lone chandelier in the middle of the ceiling(Sadly, I didn't have the time to install another Chand Cannon…), wreaths around every window, red and green lights sparkling from every perch, glitter on the floor to replicate snow(Because no matter _what_ I did, the owners wife wouldn't allow me to bring in actual snow to the building… Took me a damn hour to get the tart taste out of my mouth!), music playing silently in the background, and even Christmas trees in every corner- decked out in ornaments, lights, tinsel, stars on top, and even presents at the bottom(Filled with explosives, courtesy of myself, as one poor Hollow found out soon after opening one-) of them too, stacked neatly and in an organized manner across the floor, with multiple tables set out, filled with drinks, food, even MORE presents(Not actually filled with explosives- those were the goody bags for the event, but seeing as everyone already witnessed what happened last time a present was open, they wouldn't be opening them early any time soon… Or ever, now that I think about it.), and even some with games for the extremely bored.

And then we had the lone manauara and dreidels laid on one table.

"Why is there a Jew table at a Christmas party?" Someone asked as they raised their hand. "Because my lawyers told me that because of _someone_ -" I pointedly glared at Andreza as he slowly slid his yarmulke off his head. "-I had to include Chanukah in this event, and make it a 'Holiday Bash' instead of a 'Christmas Party' unless I wanted to get sued in a lawsuit I was sure to lose."

Didn't help my own lawyers were rather biased either…

"But anyway, please help yourself to some food, drink, and yule tide greetings as me and my associates proceed with some business in the other room." With a bow, I motioned to said associates to convene with me in the back room as I made my way to the door.

Opening it up and leaving it open, I made my way behind the one desk in the small room as I sat down in the chair and propped my feet up on the desk, waiting until all the people who needed to be here got here. As soon as the door closed, I got to business.

"Okay, Zero-Hime over there was right when she believed that someone was going to rat us out to the boss man- luckily, I have spies everywhere, so it was rather easy to deduce who the culprit would be, and he is currently indisposed as of the moment. But even so, in the case he somehow escapes his rap- I mean, torture session, we need to get this plan along. So, when I say your name, step up so I know you are in uniform and ready to go for the plan." Taking out a clipboard from a desk drawer, I started reading off the names. "Zangetsu, the grumpy Reindeer." "I can't tell which I hate more; this outfit or you." Said Reindeer grumbled as he stepped forward, his usual outfit dyed green and red, with lights wrapped around his horns and miniature wreaths stuck onto them as well, making him look like Sandy Klaws puked on him. "Okay, check; Suoh, the hoiest of the Reindeer." "I WANT THAT KLAWS!" Throffing at the mouth, Suoh leapt forward, eyes darting back and forth as if our target were right here in the room with us and he was looking for it, face paint the color of green, his hair had been dyed a white with red stripes, resembling a candy cane, with red pants and jacket, green and red elf shoes, and a white t-shirt with the words 'I'm nuts for Sandy' on it(I think that one was actually a Spongebob t-shirt if I wasn't mistaken…). Needless to say, he was excited, because he always had a strong faith in his… Excessiveness- he was easily the most pumped for this.

I say that because the uniform I gave him only consisted of the pants and jacket in the first place.

"Riiiiight, check; Yuji, the confused Reindeer?" "Ready, and steadily growing in confusion as time grows and I still don't know what I'm here for!" Yuji saluted. Instead of the regular(Just like everyone else-) the outfit was switched up for a more festive colored red and white one. "Roger." Rather than explain, I just let the confusion grow(It makes him stronger-). "Afro, the broody emo-teen-angst Reindeer?" "I am not broody- or emo, or a teen, or angsty!" He scowled as I leaned towards Yuji. "That's just the broody, emo-teen-angst talking." "GAAAH! And why the hell am I wearing this piece of crap instead of my usual outfit?!" He gestured to the antlers I had poked into his afro, and then back down to his actual outfit.

Which was an actual reindeer costume this time.

"Because I needed _someone_ to wear that thing, and you're the only Reindeer who I could legitimately place antlers on, so you're the one who has to wear it." "But this is degrading!" "That's just the emo-angst talking, Afro. Get over yourself." Quickly turning back to my board before a miffed Afro could continue, I moved on. "Noble, the dunce- I mean dense Reindeer?" "At the ready!" He tried to salute like Yuji, but failed when he hit his forehead too hard and ended up on his ass. Just like everyone else, I made him change his outfit, this one being a white suit instead of his usual black and a lighter shade of red cape, with red highlights in his spiky hair. "Moron- I mean moving on, Delta, the beat Reindeer?" "I take offense to that on so many levels." He was now wearing a jester hat(If anyone asked him what it really was though, they'd say an elf one for the s**** and giggles-), with green tights, and an equally green shirt with red writing saying 'Santa's Little Helper'. "And I take even more offense to this atrocity you call a uniform." "Those are some big words, buddy, you should probably stick to vocabulary you're used to- say it with me, 'Clooooothiiiing'." "I hate you so much right now." "We hate you too, okay! Kurono, the forgettable Reindeer?" "Right he-" "Okay! That's all the regular Reindeer! Now, where is Andreza, the Jewdeer?" "Ah, come on! It's not my fault that I was born as an Orthodox Jew!" "No, but it is your fault for continuing to be one." "Alright, I walked into that one- but do I _really_ have to wear the lawyer suit with the yarmulke and makeup to emphasize the size of my nose?" "Duh- if Sandy Klaws attempts to sliver his way out of this through the legal system, he'll know he can't BS his way out of it when we have a Jew with us." "I don't even practice law!" "Andreza, you're a Jew- everyone knows you all know how to be a Lawyer/Doctor/Banker the minute you come out of the womb." "... Damn your infallible logic." "Okay, that appears to be all the animals-" "Wait, doesn't Klaws have like, 8 Reindeer and some Jew outcast-" "Oi! His name is Rudolph, and he's not even a Jew! He just has a big, shiny nose-" "Yeah, same difference. Anyway, we only have 1 Jew and 7 Reindeer, where's the last one?" "That is easy to answer, my dear, deer." Opening up another drawer, I pulled out a magnum before pointing it directly behind me.

"If the fool behind me wants to not just be another Christmas smear on the wall, he'll be putting on the Reindeer tighty whities I have hidden in one of these drawers just for this occasion and join the others in the line."

"..." "... … …" "... *Click*" "Alright alright, I'm going!" Quickly gathering said undergarment from the specified drawer, Acnologia put them on and made his way into the line with the others. "And there is Reindeer number 8: Acnologia, the streaking Reindeer!" Clapping my hands of any dust accumulated on them, I went back to naming off the list. "And now for the-" "Oi oi oi! Wait a damn minute!" "God damn it Streaky, I swear to god if you cut me off one more time-" "Easy there! I'm just curious as to why everyone is gathered here is all!" Raising an eyebrow as if that was the most simplistic question he could have ever asked me(Oh who am I kidding- it was.), I decided to give him an answer. "Because they all realized that I was their true deity, and they are going out with me to do my will for me."

Hey, never said it was a _good_ answer.

"Yeah, real cute- now what's the real answer?" "Ah, okay, ,you got me- they are really here because I'm such an awesome person to hang around, so me and them are going out clubbing without the others knowing and getting jealous." "Dressed… as Christmas oriented characters?" "It's the day before Christmas Eve, tool- of course we're going to get as festively dressed as we possibly can!" "Right- now are you seriously going to answer me, or are you going waste time all day giving me crap lies?"

Poor boy.

If he doesn't already have the answer to _that_ , I fear for his future in life.

"Look, I just want to get this over with as quickly as physically possible, so I'll answer for him- we're all in debt to him, and as payment, he's making us do some half-brained scheme revolving around Sandy Klaws."

"... Way to ruin the mood, _ass_. Yes, what Zangetsu said is true- they owe me money, and I am getting payment in the form of my latest project." Acnologia just seemed dumbfounded as he looked across everyone in the room, none of them being able to meet his eyes as they whistled a joyful tune while staring at something only they could see and found _interesting_.

Well, all except Amaterasu, who just smiled and waved back at him.

" _All_ of you?! What the hell did you do to get into debt with what I am almost assured is the actual DEVIL?!"

* * *

"Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" "You all realize you're in some maaaaajor debt with all that alcohol you've been chugging down, right?" "Bah, just put it on our bar tab, keep! And keep those drinks coming!" "Yeah, yeah… Gonna be ending up in debt for _quite_ a while- oi oi OI! Suoh, you get away from that sombrero! No- YOU PULL UP YOUR PANTS THIS INSTANT, MISTER!"

* * *

"That last AA meeting over at the Kool Kidz Klub _really_ hit them all hard… And those sombrero's will never see the light of day again."

A moment of silence.

"I mean, I know everyone likes their drinking and all- but for _everyone here_ to be indebted to you?" "Ah, technically, not _everyone_ here owes me some cash- Amaterasu is here to… Just be here, I guess?"

One does not question an Amaterasu and get a sure-fire answer, after all.

"Ha ha! Holy hell, I can't believe me and Amaterasu here are the only ones not in debt towards the _cow_ of all things!" Ah, that sentence, I'm afraid, has a few _fallacies_ in them." "Ah-ha, what, what do you mean?" " _Someone_ here owes me a bit of dough for a new office after _someone_ left a parting gift to me in the form of a _box_ of all things- can you believe that?" "Ha ha, no, totally not! But, um, just exactly _how_ much does that _someone_ owe you?" "That someone owes me more than an arm and leg, let's just put it at that." "... How much is-" "If someone has to ask how much, then someone does not have enough." "Ah…."

God do I love happy endings.

"Alright, back on track; are all my elves present and raring to go?" "Roger that, Sir!" Amaterasu stepped forward with the rest of the elves(I.E: Oracion, Julia, Karrie(The stupid dog, Fluffy-)… Okay, in Karrie's case, she was more dragged more than anything, as she was busy munching on a cookie like a mouse would a cracker- it was the only way I could get her attention long enough to get her on board with this.) and saluted as the hat on her head jingled from the bells being thrown around as the rest followed and Fluffy slobbered on the shag carpeting.

God damn mutt...

Seeing as how I was trying to make a profit from this, I didn't want to waste too much on uniforms, and it was cheaper to get 4 of the same type of uniform than 2 different types, I had all the elves be one gender with one uniform- a green and red long sleeved shirt, green tights with a green skirt , green santa hats with bells in place of the poofy thing on the actual thing(I don't fucking know what it's called, sue me.), and pointed shoes.

With pointed ears as well.

Because if we are anything, it would most certainly be racists who follow stereotypes to the 'T'.

"Okay, they are all here, and Inazuma, Kol, Cextra, Carnage, and Deadpool are out there, running defense for the pearly gates, which leaves only 2 more people left to check off the list- Me!" I stood up as the others finally looked at my outfit. "Sandy Klaws!"

Gone was the regular garb I wore, instead replaced by a modified, silken Sandy Klaws disguise. Shiny black boots, long flowing light red pants with a very expensive looking black belt holding it together, smooth jacket the same shade as the pants, and smooth, almost porcelain looking white fur covering the zipper of the suit and wrists(Not like it was zipped up anyway- #ShirtlessSandyKlaws!). Topping it all off, was the magical looking hat resting upon my head, finishing off the Sandy Klaws look I was giving off.

"A rather sexy Sandy Klaws if I do say so myself. And of course, behind every smexy Sandy Klaws, there must be an equally, if not more, smexy Mrs. Klaws- Zero-Hime!" "Here."

"..." "... … …" "..."

"Why are you not in costume?"

She wasn't in the costume- why wasn't she in the costume?!

"Yeeeeeah, about that- it was just a _wee_ bit too… _provocative_ for my tastes, so I decided to just not wear it." "But-" "And by ' _wee_ bit', I really mean it was so slutty that even Betty Boop would have second thoughts about wearing that thing." "But, but- HOW THE HELL WAS IT PROVOCATIVE?!" "The skirt was so short that even Mutantly Tall McHuge over there would be able to see my underwear if I had worn it." "Yeah, hi- Mutantly Tall McHuge standing right here." "We get it, Zangetsu- you're _here_. God, you need to get over yourself more than even emo-angst." "Still hate you." "Shut up, emo-teen-angst! The grown up, _non-_ emo-teen-angsts are talking over here!"

… Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah- "Oh please, you are _totally_ over-exaggerating here!" "And then the jacket- _if you can even call it that_ \- barely covered anything above half my chest." "Okay, see here-" "And then you _expected me_ to not wear anything under it." "... The real Mrs. Klaws wouldn't be putting up this much of a fuss over such menial things-" "And don't even get me _STARTED_ on the accessories!" "... I kind of want you to, now that you mention it." "Ugh- whatever. So are we starting this thing or what?" "Well we _would_ be, if someone had freaking just worn the costume they were given!" "I-" "And before you start on _another_ rant, I had Amaterasu get you an alternative outfit in case you didn't like- _or wouldn't wear_ , the other one." Snapping my fingers, said elf stepped towards the woman and handed her a folded uniform, causing her to skeptically look it over with massive scrutiny. "Oh please- I wouldn't be making _two_ skimpy outfits for this event."

For the same person.

"Riiiiight." Why was I not surprised that didn't alleviate her skepticism? "Believe what you want- there's a bathroom behind me, and so help me god if I don't see a Mrs. Klaws step out of there." I left the threat hanging as the woman sweated and nodded, quickly going into the bathroom to change as fast as possible.

The magnum I had been fingering since she had refused to wear the original outfit probably helped with that.

"Okay, seeing as how she was _thankfully_ one of the few I had let in on my plan beforehand, she doesn't need to be here to hear me explain to you all what it is I am doing." Pulling out another stick, I put it between my lips even as they both threatened to split my face.

"It's a relatively simple plan, really." My grin grew as my eyes flashed dangerously in the dimly lit room and I leaned forward in my chair.

"We are going to be hi-jacking us a Christmas, kiddies."

* * *

"Hm." "HOLY HELL! NO ONE TOLD ME IT WOULD BE THIS COLD!" "Kind of hard to tell people when you _yourself_ don't know what it's going to be like." "ASS! YOU TOTALLY KNEW ABOUT THIS!" "If I had known it would be this bad, I would have made your apparel even thinner than it is now."

Ignoring the fact that the only thing he had on was _reindeer undies_ that were already thin as hell.

"Anyway, we stop here- the target is in sight." I told everyone trekking through the snow as the workshop came into sight. "Does everyone know what to do?" "Yeah yeah, go in, dispose of the actual Christmas holiday freaks, take over Christmas- we get it." Zero stepped up beside me to look at the cottage as well so I took this time to look over her outfit once more-

Totally not like a total creepy pervert or anything, though.

Nope.

Decked out in a longer(Less revealing… Sadly-) version of her previous outfit, 5 foot even with high heel boots, red, smooth skirt that ended in white fur, then a zipped up jacket very similar in design to mine, and another Sandy Klaws hat covering some of her long, thick, strawberry blonde hair that was tied in pigtails.

"Well! What a mighty fine Merry Christmas this is, Mrs. Klaws!" "Yes, and to a very new year where I can forget this was ever a thing." "Ah, come on, it's not that bad- I'll even let you Deck _my_ Halls!" "Oh, I'll be decking _something_ alright, if this keeps up." "Hmph. No fun at all. Alright, back to business- everyone! Gather 'round!" Quickly forming a circle around me, everyone got ready to listen.

"You all know the plan-" "SANDY KLAWS!" "Shut up, Suoh! Anyway, as I was saying, you all know the plan, but just in case _someone_ -" I pointedly glared at the whistling streak Reindeer. "-Missed out on the 50th time I've explained this, are there any questions?" "Yeah-" "And what would that be, Yuji?" "What if we get caught before everyone has done their mission, or if someone stupidly gets caught before we can finish _our own_ mission?" "That's simple to answer- you're going to basically have the entire base flood your position, and make disposing of everyone that much more difficult." "Ah. Then we might want to prepare ourselves for that _now_." "What are you-" Looking over to what was being pointed at, my eyes widened as I saw the dumb ass mutt sniffing the North Pole sign.

"NO! KARRIE, GET YOUR STUPID MUTT AWAY FROM THERE!" "Bad, bad Fluffy! That sign is _not_ a fire-hydrant or Shinigami!" Too late, as the dog had already started to use the bathroom on it, causing sirens to start sounding off as soon as the first trickle hit it.

"Well so much for _that_ plan. Okay everyone, time for 'Plan B'!" "What's 'Plan B'?" "Plan _BITCH AT SOMEONE FOR BRINGING ALONG A STUPID MUTT TO A GOD DAMN STEALTH MISSION_!"

I don't think I need to explain who _someone_ is in this instance, either.

"God do I hate my afterlife- everyone duck!" Hitting the floor, all the bullets that came out of the turrets(That _somehow_ popped out of the ground from seemingly nowhere-) flew past our heads.

Wait-

"Those aren't bullets- _they're peppermints_!" Getting back up off the floor, I scoffed. "Oh please. _Real_ bullets wouldn't even be able to hurt us- let alone some kind of holiday MINT!" Watching as the turrets all pointed at me, I turned back to the others, who were still on the floor. "Come on, get off the floor, these things are harm- CHRIS JESOOS, THAT HURT! AH! AH! HELP, I'M BEING PEPPERED BY PEPPERMINTS!" Running back and forth, I tried to shield myself with my arms, but that proved to do absolutely nothing.

Why did I choose to not wear a shirt today- AH!

"Resistencia Ambiental!" Luckily, it seemed _someone_ was finally doing something, as Yuji suddenly ducked into the ground, reappearing in front of the turrets and causing a large portion of the ground to rip up and block the bullets. "Emo-teen-angst Reindeer, you're up!" "My name is _not_ -" 'JUST DEAL WITH THEM BEFORE THEY RIP APART THE GOD DAMN BARRIER!" "Ugh." Crouching down, he suddenly leapt high into the air, before he started gyrating mid-air. "Descenso Meteórico!" He suddenly started to plummet back to Earth, slowly gaining more and more speed even as he suddenly lit on fire and crashed into the general vicinity of the machines, causing even MORE of the landscape to get uprooted, and destroy the turrets.

"Well that's one defense down-" "SNOWMAN!" Looking over to Karrie as she saw a relatively large snowman slowly making its way towards us and promptly ran to feet it halfway, I facepalmed.

Good help was _so_ hard to find these days.

Not even bothering to look up at the sky with the others as a Soaring Karrie passed above our heads, I looked around for more of the( _Apparently_.) exploding snowmen.

And found us surrounded.

 _Joy_.

Clapping my hands and pulling them apart, creating 5 small red orbs, I threw them into the nearest horde of snowmen, causing a massive pillar of fire to detonate them, sending snow everywhere. "Hado Number 33: Sōkatsui!" Amaterasu yelled as blue fire expelled from her hand, exploding a few more.

"There's too many!" Delta yelled through the explosions and set off a Raikōhō on a few of them as Kurono got dogpiled in the background. "Don't worry- I've got a plan." "Why does that not make me worry any less?!" "Don't worry, it doesn't involve _you_ \- just the Jew over there." "wait, wh-" Appearing behind him, I grabbed his ankles and lifted him up and wielded him like a weapon. "WHY AM I BEING USED FOR THIS 'SCHEME'?!" "Uh, _duh_ \- you're a Jew, which means you are immune to all things Christmas. Ergo, this won't hurt you when I go around swinging you like a club to destroy all the snowmen!" "SNOWMEN AREN'T EVEN CHRISTMAS ORIENTED THINGS!" "Don't worry- even if you _do_ somehow get injured, you can just use your Jew powers to sue me afterwards." "And if there _is_ no afterwards?!" I don't know-

Sucks to be you then I guess.

Roaring(Or to some it might be reminiscent to _yodeling_ -), I charged forward with my screaming weapon, bashing in the head of one snowman before it exploded, causing the others around it to explode with it, before I leapt forward and smacked my weapons head against one of another snowman, using the momentum caused by the explosion this time to get further air time, landing on a snowman this time. Not giving it time to blow up under my feet, I leapt onto another snowman, before leaping off that one as well, then, using my weapon as a pole vault, proceeded to kick one in the face, throwing it back into a relatively massive horde, and causing a major explosion.

Glancing around after that escapade, I found out that I was now surrounded by at least 20 of the buggers, with seemingly no way out except a snowy death as I heard the girls scream in the background-

Wait, no, that was just my weapon shrilly screaming in my ear.

"Banzai!" Moving to the nearest snowman, I swung at it, causing it to topple over into another snowman, exploding soon after as I used the cover of the explosion to punch another in the middle of it's body, sending the piece flying into yet another snowman, before I punted the head at one more and kicked the bottom like a bowling pin into 3 others. Dropping to the floor in a push-up position, I proceeded to mule kick one sneaking behind me, sending it flying off into the distance as I got back up and used Andreza like a fencing weapon to stab two more to death. Looking around us, it seemed the last 9 were about to dogpile us in a last ditch attempt to send us on a very bad time.

"Ha! You underestimate my willingness to use others as weapons for my own gain, snow people!" Sticking a woozy Andreza's head into the ground, I grabbed onto his feet as I did a handstand on his feet. Then, twirling on his feet, I kicked up a head of one of the snow creatures, then grabbed another between two of my feet and threw it up, then leapt into the air, drop kicking both heads into more of the snow things, causing them to explode on impact.

Landing on his feet with both hands, I made the splits, kicking away two more heads,causing them to roll away and explode safely away from us, then, lifting myself into a crouch, I grabbed the carrot nose of the second to last snowman and threw it up into the air, shooting a small cero at it, causing it to explode in the air. Getting off the feet and picking my 'Sword' back up, I held it over my shoulder as I looked at the last snowman(Which looked like it was sweating now-), deciding what to do with it.

"Ah to hell with it- FOUR!" Swinging up the weapon like it was a golf club, I sent the last head flying off into the distance. "Whew- well, that was quite the workout, wasn't it Jewdeer? Good thing you're immune to all things Christmas, eh? Eh?" "Rudolph, the big nosed Jewdeer, had a very large bank account- and if you ever saw it, you would even say he was a Jew!"

Well, immune for the _most_ part.

"Hm. Wonder where that head went flying to, know that I think about it?"

* * *

"Junior, is your father home yet?" "No mommy!" "Hm. I wonder where he could be? Why don't you go by the window and see if you can see him?" "Okay mommy!... No, no, I don't see him! But, I do see _something_ flying this way…. Wait, is that… _Daddy_?"

 ***BOOM***

* * *

"Meh, I'm sure it's of no consequence."

To me, at least.

"Okay, are all the snowmen gone yet?" I asked the others as I stepped back to where they had gathered right outside the Christmas home. "Yes, but, um, I do believe we have other issues at this current moment in time." Turning to look at what Amaterasu was talking about, I caught a quick glimpse of a massive snow fort with what looked like elves hiding inside the thing before I received a snowball to the left eye.

"... Ow." Moving my hand to wipe off the snow on my face, I was surprised to find that it wouldn't come off. "What the- ah, AH!" Peeling back my hand from the _clearly_ not snowball, I saw that some of the substance rubbed off on my hand and that it was slowly sizzling with a burning sensation.

"God _damn_ it, these things are dissolving and trying to get into our bodies! Don't let them touch you, they stick as well!" Forcing the thing away from my face, I ripped it off(Along with a great amount of my forehead skin and the front portion of my _eye_ -) and dropped it to the ground, letting my eye heal itself, then my face, followed by my hand. "Elf squadron, this is your job! All the elves are behind that fort! Sneak in, barge your way through the gates, or even _break_ the damn fort, thing! I don't care! Just get rid of those pests!" "Heheheh, no need to tell me twice!" Sprinting off to the fort(When did karrie get back-) with a molotov in hand, karrie threw it at one of the openings in the fort, causing an explosion inside and a flurry of screams as some elves fell out, on fire, and tried to put themselves out in the snow- to no avail.

"Go, go, go!" Amaterasu and the rest of the elves(And Fluffy-) charged forward towards the fort too, as the rest of the group made their way to the workshop.

"Okay, the way into the workshop, I do believe, is through the stables, that house the Reindeer- which will give you all the perfect opportunity to get rid of them!" I told the group as we made our way into the stables, noticing 8 animals sleeping in some hay. "Okay, that's your cues everyone- go get 'em!" Pushing Delta forward first, he stopped right in front of the smallest sleeping one. "Yes! Totally! We have to- have to kill them all…" "Oh, come on! Don't puss out now, of all times!" "Hey, I'm not pussing out! It's just that, well- can't we just tie them up, or something?!" "Dude, that is _totally_ what pussing out sounds like." "Oi!" "He's right, bro." "Shut up, _Densey_!" "Hey, it's Duncey, not Densey!" "Whatever! Point is, there is no need to pointlessly kill such innocent creatures of nature!" "Creatures of- what are you babbling on about now?! Those things aren't _creatures of nature_ , as you so _lovingly_ deemed them." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Well, considering the tone of your voice, it would seem you'll see what I mean shortly." "See what you mean?" He mumbled under his breath as he turned back to the Reindeer.

Only to freeze as he came face to face with red eyes.

"KYAAAAH!"

If one were to ask him what that sound was in the future, he would most _definitely_ say it wasn't a school girl scream.

Sadly, the 10 other people with him would beg to differ.

"W-Wh-Why does it h-have red eyes?!" He asked as he fell onto his ass and moved back to us. "Reindeer aren't supposed to have red eyes- nothing _natural_ should have red eyes!" "Well it sucks for you that it isn't natural." "Again with the not-natural thing! What makes it so-" He was cut off as the other Reindeer suddenly jerked up, eyes as red as the others, and they soon lined up all together in the middle of the stable.

"... Does that seem _natural_ to you?" "No- no it does not."

And to further prove him wrong, the Reindeer suddenly started steaming through lines that suddenly appeared on their 'fur'. "Oh come on!" Then they suddenly came undone- like some form of transformers, they started to shift in shape, growing taller, bigger, and much more mechanical looking until all that was left was 8 foot tall, brown and grey Reindeer bots that looked like they were cut from marble they were so ripped, decked out with massive machine guns and what looked like lasers cannons instead of the regular antlers on top of their heads.

"Are those… Are those Reindeer _transformers_?" "No- they are Deerbot 1000's." "What kind of gay ass name for transformers is _that_?" "One that won't get me sued for writing it."

'Nuff said.

"Aaaaand we are supposed to destroy _those_ -" Acnologia pointed to the Deerbots in front of them as they started to charge their lasers and point them at us. "No no no- _you_ and the other Reindeer are supposed to destroy Sandy Klaws pimped out rides, while me and the Missus here-" "Don't touch me." "-Go and find the actual hoomahn beings inside that building and kill them so we can hi-jack this holiday!" "What?! That doesn't seem fair _at all_!" "Oh please- _you_ all had the option of being elves, _but noooooooo_! You all wanted to be the strapping Reindeer _not_ in green tights!" "I'M IN GREEN TIGHTS ANYWAY!" "Yeah, but majority vote. Also, you might want to dodge, or at the very least, not duck the flying Deerbot heading directly towards you." "The wha- AAAAAAAH!"

He had a bad habit of not listening to me it seemed.

It was almost as bad as he girly screaming tick he had.

"GAh! What is it doing?!" "Well, I _did_ tell you not to duck when you saw it coming." "W-Why is it going on all fours- why is it's hips starting to _gyrate_?!" "Well, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to wager a guess? The thing is programmed with a bit _too_ much of an animal's thought process, and your girly screaming made definitely didn't do you any favors-" "KYAAAAH!" "Yeah- still not doing you any favors kid." I sighed as I turned to the others. "Zangetsu, get the damn thing off him before my ear drums burst any- why 'elllo, what's all this then?"

Turns out, Delta wasn't the _only_ one having a bit of a… Technical issue with these things.

"... Why does this Rudolph keep saying 'Hail Hydra!', have a hitler mustache, and a riding crop?" "Because it is the best friend to Jews everywhere, Andreza. Now go play with your new Bestie." "... But I don't wanna go play with my new Bestie-" "You will play with your new Bestie, and you will _like_ _it_." Looking over at the others, I immediately had to withhold a bark of laughter once my eyes settled on a certain person.

"God, damn it all." Zangetsu deadpanned as he attempted to remove his horns form one of the Deerbots laser cannon antlers.

 _No dice_.

Though the Deerbot sure seemed like it appreciated the effort-

"Yeah. Gonna take that as my cue to _get the hell out of dodge_ … While Zangetsu tries to get the hell out of-" "THEY WILL NEVER FIND THE BODY, YOU INGRATE!" "His _situation_. God, you are such an _ass_. Didn't know being that _horny_ could do that to a person-" "GRAAAAAH!" "Aaaaaand with that, I'm officially outie." I said as the other Reindeer started to fight off the Deerbots and me and Zero went into the building.

"Okay, now that everyone else is out of the way, except for you, all that's left is to find the soon to be _Ex_ Mrs. Klaws." I told the femmest of Zero's as we made our way through a dimly lit hallway that held pictures of various elves, Reindeer, and even the Mrs. on them, but surprisingly, _no Sandy Klaws_. And the only door in the long expanse was at the end of the eerily long(Now that I think about it-) and relatively spacious hall.

If this didn't have 'Final Boss' written all over it, I didn't know what did.

Turning to Zero as we stopped in the middle of the hallway, I decided to warn her."Alright, be on your guard- anything and everything can and will pop up at any given moment." "Oh? You mean like the Mrs. Klaws standing right behind you?" "Exactly. Like the-" Stopping my talking, I turned back behind me, then slowly looked down a little, soon finding Zero's target standing right there, grey hair done in a bun, red robe with a white fur lining that flowed all the way down to her feet, obscuring everything of her wardrobe from view, and even the iconic old lady reading glasses. "Well hello there, dears!"

Oh god damn it.

'Yes. A-hem. Hello to you too, Mrs… Klaws, was it?" Act like the innocent bystander- even if by process of elimination you were the threat that had somehow snuck onto the North Pole.

Works every time.

"Oh, a pleasure to meet you! We don't get too many visitors like yourself around these parts!" "Heheh, I can certainly see that." Subtly glancing at Zero, I motioned with my head towards the target, only getting a raised eyebrow from her, seemingly an unspoken 'Are you serious?' coming off her. "Oh! Where are my manners, you seem to know my name, and yet I do not know yours! How rude of me!" "Oh, think nothing of it! It is such a menial thing to get worked up over!" Glancing back at Zero again, I not so gently nodded back at the old women again, still getting a skeptic eyebrow from Zero. "So, pardon my French, but what in the good lords heck are you doing all the way out here? It's such a long journey from even the nearest civilization, and I doubt you personally know anyone here!" "Oh, not quite true I'm afraid! In fact, I do believe _everyone_ knows of your most infamous husband who brings good tidings to all the good people of the world!" Not so gently nudging the girl with my elbow, my whole body twitched in the general vicinity of the soon to be Ex Klaws, only to get a not so gentle kick to the shin in turn.

" _Oh for the love of_ \- get on with it!" I whisper shouted at the uncooperative she-devil beside me as the old lady in front of us looked on in confusion. "And _what_? WHAT do you expect me to do?! Kill the innocent little old lady over the-" She never got to finish before a high heel shoe planted itself into her stomach, then a palm strike to the face sent her flying all the way back down the hall wide eyed as I turned to the person who did that with my jaw on the floor.

"You know, it's not polite to assume a woman's age before knowing 100% what it is, little lady." Her voice somehow got more youthful and a little deeper in pitch, losing that 'Curious Grandma' tone, and settling into the deeper 'Did you just call me old?' voice that all women seemed to possess as she let down her bun, letting the feathery silver hair cascade down her back and face(Which was also somehow appeared much younger looking as well-)as she also shed her massive robe, standing up straighter and gaining another 4 inches as what was under it came into display- which was the tightest red latex body suit I had _ever_ seen with a pair of black stiletto boots.

'Ho, ho, _ho_ - _ly_ _shit she's staring at me now_!'

"I'm not Kosher!" I cowered back into myself as I formed a cross with my fingers and shoved it in her direction. "I know you're not, dearie. But I'm still going to have to kick your butt." Back flipping away from a flying punch, I ducked under a swinging kick and blocked another kick that would have gone to my face, shoving me into the wall not so gently.

God did I hate my chauvinistic morales.

Would have to change that some time soon…

Yelping, I narrowly shoved aside a kick that would have easily crushed my solar plexus(If the way it tore through the wall with ease was any indication-), but wasn't fast enough to catch the fist sent straight into my stomach, rupturing the wall behind me as I slowly fell to the floor.

"Oooooooooooooow." "Don't worry, it'll be over in just a second." Looking up, I saw the fist coming towards my face, but couldn't do anything but shut my eyes and wait for it to come. "Oi!" Opening my eyes at the sound of another voice, I found that another hand had stopped the first one. "If anyone gets the right to end the miserable life of the schmuck behind me you old bat, it's gonna be _ME_!" I sniffed and and launched myself at the owner of the voice.

"Oh Zero-Hime, you _do_ care- GAH!"

And then promptly fell back down to the floor holding my stomach after she also punched it.

"You still don't get to touch me without me hitting you." #Worth. "Alright, back on topic then, you finish off business here, and I am gonna… Well, hobble for a while, then run off to find the major target of this season!" I told Zero as she started to fight against the other woman in the hall(Really wanted to stay and watch this… Maybe throw in some mud while I was at it, as well-) and I started hobbling towards the end of the hall, eventually landing right in front of the second only door in the entire hallway as explosions went off in the background.

"Well, here goes nothing." I muttered to myself, tilting my head to the left to avoid a last ditch attempt gun blast to prevent me from entering the office.

Though with me literally firing a Cero at the door, imploding it in on itself, that attempt did nada.

* * *

"For someone so magical with an insane amount of working elves, Sana's Workshop sure does look more than a bt industrialized." I spoke to myself as I walked into the room and looked around the grey painted room.

There were machines everywhere, conveyer belts connecting many of them to each other which I could only assume were for toys to be sent down a line, with stools next to the conveyers to allow easy access to the toys when they come down the belt. Then in a corner there was what appeared to be different vates of liquids in massive metal containers, such as hot chocolate, eggnog, and melted candy cane substances(If the words on the metal vates were to be believed anyway-). Then, in another corner, there were multiple wooden tables set up for(What I'd assume-) putting the finishing touches on certain toys that needed more care or looking over. Then, right in the middle of the expansive room, was a relatively massive stone grey cooling tower, easily filling up a tenth of the entire room as it reached past the roof.

"... I wonder what the Christians and Naturalists would say if they knew Santa was the main reason Global Warming was a thing." Not really wanting to know the answer to that, I looked over at the end of the large room, finding a singular, very out of place red door with a candy cane themed frame, and a green sign pinned to it saying 'Santa's(Wait, who the hell is 'Santa' and what did he do with Sandy Klaws?! I just got here damn it, and I sure as hell was gonna be pissed if some poser came and did what I came here to do after all the shit I'd gone through!) Office'. "Thank you, plot convenience." Sneaking up to the door, I summoned my sword(I wonder where this thing goes whenever I don't have it on me or am using it-) and quietly opened the door a bit to sneak a peek inside-

"Wow!" Only to backpedal as the entire door came flying off it's hinges as it exploded from the inside out, which would have squashed me had I not gotten back in time. "Well, well. If it isn't Mu Setsumei Uxukie! I have been expecting you!" Walking out of the dark room that was Santa's Office, was none other than the man of the hour himself.

Even taller than me, at an even 6 foot, he was dressed in the same outfit that I was- only he probably had a shirt under his closed jacket, he had a beard, and his hair was white while mine was red. "What?! But I only just thought up this damn plan not 48 hours ago and told next to no one about it either! How the hell did you know I'd be here?!" "Oh, I didn't know when specifically you were going to come here, I just knew that at some point down the line, you would make an appearance- I see you while you're sleeping, you know. I also hear all the 'Death to Sandy Klaws's' you mutter as well." "Holy cow, you're more stalker than even Yuno Gasai." "Yes, yes. Laugh it up while you still can, but in the meantime, I think it's about time to smack a ho, ho, _ho_!" At that last part, he suddenly tore his jacket off, sending the ripped parts flying away as his body(Huh. So he _wasn't_ wearing a shirt under that bulky thing.) came into full view.

…

"Dear god, Sandy Klaws is _ripped_." "Ho, ho, ho! The little drummer boy once used my chest as replacement drums when his were in the shop, that's how rock hard these things are!" "Damn dude, why have Rudolph when those pecs could have just cut through the damn fog on Christmas that day?!" "I was contractually obligated to do so- but that's beside the point." "Oh? And what _is_ the poi-" My head snapped to the side as Santa appeared and decked me in the halls.

Wiping a bit of blood off my lip that came out after the punch I turned back to a surprised Sandy Klaws. "Looks like Sandy Klaws has a holly jolly death wish." Throwing the punch this time, I hit the jolly bastard across the room, back into his office, with me running into the door frame soon after, looking into the darkness to try and find him, only to yelp as he suddenly knocked my feet from under me, sending me to the floor as he leapt on top of me, throwing punch after punch into my face, before I finally had enough and kicked him up into his own door frame, causing it to creak as I rolled away before his body could land back on top of mine. Quickly moving, I jumped up, and landed on top of his stomach, kneeing him and causing him to lose his wind. Before I could continue the attack however, his gloved hand came up and slammed in between my legs, causing me to hiss and close my eyes as I rolled of him.

"My chestnuts! They're burning!" Looking back up again, I saw Sandy about to leap on me( _Again_ -), but I looked further behind him and saw something. "Wait!" I raised a hand as he stopped in confusion. "Look above you." Doing just that, he froze after he found what I was talking about. "Mistletoe."

"..." "..." Both of us got up and stood awkwardly in the doorway, with me rubbing the back of my head and Sandy shyly kicking the ground with his boot, blushing. "Ah, what the hell- it's the holidays, right?" "R-Right! Right… So, um…" "Close your eyes and I'll do it?" "S-S-Sure, sure!" Closing his eyes and puckering his lips, Sandy leaned forward, lips finally connecting with my own-

"Oomph!" Boot, that is.

Walking over to the vates this time, I saw Sandy rubbing his head from where it impacted one of the metal things after my kick sent him flying. "Someone is most _definitely_ on my naughty list this time!" "Oh please- after that little stunt you just tried to pull, you're on just about every Christian's naughty list as well." Running forward, I jumped into a flying axis kick, but Sandy saw it coming and caught it, but using the leftover momentum of the jump, I twisted and threw my other leg into his face, but he once again caught it just in time, so I let my upper body drop to the floor, where I grabbed his legs with both my hands and pulled, making him lose his balance as he fell backward, allowing my legs to touch the ground right behind him, and letting me lift up his entire body upside down by his legs, and then pile drive him into the ground.

Not letting up, I picked his body back up and threw it into the container behind both of us, where I then grabbed his head and started hitting it off a conveniently placed faucet that was probably there to allow people to get beverages from the large things. Before long though, Sandy had managed to elbow me in the gut and reverse our positions as he held on of my arms behind my back. "You look like you need to _chill_ out!" He said as he turned on the tap, sending hot chocolate pouring down my face and into my eyes. "Aaaaaah! The only thing that feels worse than my eyes right now is my ears after hearing your stupid backward ass pun!" Pulling away from his hand I headbutted him in the face, causing him to stumble backwards as I rubbed the liquid from my eyes. "About to make this a god damn white Christmas for Sandy this year!" I growled as I chopped off the tap of the eggnog container, sending a jet of the white liquid out into Sandy Klaws gut and sending him rolling towards the tables as more of the eggnog started to fill the floor.

Crouching down soon after, I touched the eggnog lining the floor. "Desechos Glaciales!" Freezing the air around me, the eggnog soon followed as it started to freeze over, quickly following the trail that the Klaws had left behind as he finally stood back up. "Oh boy." He muttered as the frozen nog soon caught up to him. "All I want for Christmas is a _Sandy Popsicle_!" "That sounds like a very crunchy frozen treat!" He yelled as he jumped on top of one of the tables, narrowly avoiding getting frozen himself as the trail cut off cold.

"Don't think your jolly red ass is safe up there!" He yelped as soon as my hands sunk into the ground and a chunk of black ice almost impaled him in the ass as it pierced the table he was on. Soon after, he had to leap onto another one as the one he was on got destroyed by multiple of the black ice chunks. "Dance, Klaws, _dance_!" I laughed maniacally as he jumped from table to table, trying to avoid the black ice of death.

"That wasn't very _nice_ \- I think someone has earned a one way ticket to CANDY CANE LANE!" Sandy yelled as he finally leapt back onto the ground and stomped it, just as the ice was about to catch him-

"The hell?!" Only for the ice to cave in as a line of candy canes came out of the ground and broke through the ice and carved it's way to me, each candy cane getting progressively bigger until about 5 feet away from me a massive one at least 3 times my size popped up.

"Oh, this is gonna hurt-" I grunted as an even BIGGER candy cane broke through the ground and slammed into my body, sending it airborne as the attack stopped. "Naughty Wrapper!" Looking down at the apparent 'Saint', I only had enough time to see an ungodly amount of gift wrap make it's way towards me as I stopped my ascent. "God damn it." Soon enough, I was nothing but a hoomahn shaped gift wrapped nearly head to toe(With the exception of my eyes and mouth-) in gift wrap that wouldn't break no matter how hard I pushed as I plummeted to the ground.

"Ow." I made a sound as I hit the floor hard enough to leave a small crater. "Well, well, _well_ \- look at what the gift wrap dragged in." Sandy grinned as he stood over my prone body. "You realize as soon as I get out of this you are _dead_ , right?" "You sound like you actually think you can get out of that- I almost feel bad for you! This gift wrap has held back a drunk Christ, there's no way you are getting out of that!" "I don't care if this stupid thing has held back a drunk Mexican, I am going to kill you as soon as I get out!" I wiggled a bit in an attempt to finally release myself from this prison-

No such luck.

"Yeah, you're not getting out of that. What's going to _really_ happen though, is I'm going to kick you around a little, teach you a lesson on not to _ever_ mess with Santa Claus again, and send you on your merry little way." "Listen- Klaws, baby, you _know_ what I'm here for, you can just avoid this whole thing! Be the hero, and just _give me what I want_!" "You know I can't do that, Uxukie-" "Horse shit you can't! Your a magical fucking man wearing a red suit going around on _robotic reindeer_ to deliver toys your damn elf workers made in a single effing night! Don't give me the whole 'I can't do that!' spiel!" "Alright, I'll give you that I _can_ do that, but that strictly goes against the rules I had set up with the Lord, and I am not willing to go against said rules just for _you_." "You are _really_ starting to piss me off here, old man- I'll give you one last chance, either give me what I want and _live_ , or give me what I wanted and DIE! Either way, I am _getting_ what I came here to get, your amount cooperation in giving me it only varies the state of your body is gonna be in after this is done." "Right." Santa's voice was skeptical as he proceeded to slam his boot into my stomach. "Suit yourself then- there's just one last thing I'll say to you before you do what I want." "Oh?" "Yeah-" I grinned as an orange orb appeared in front of my mouth.

"Whether it's to prevent me from using an attack, or to just shut me the hell up, always remember one thing about me: my mouth is my most dangerous weapon."

And then the boom came.

Finally breaking out of the wrapping paper, I got up and looked around. Everything was either destroyed or covered in massive amounts of soot, as the tables were broken into pieces with chunks of black ice still taking up the majority of the area, the blast had ruined most of the containers, with various liquids leaking from holes in the things, and sparks coming were coming out of the machines in the room, and the belts were broke with various parts missing.

The only thing that was still intact was the biggest thing in the room(Somehow…), as it was only missing a few bricks, and was covered in a lot of ash, with one small hole near the middle, looking vaguely body shaped…

Ooooooh.

Sandy Klaws groaned as his burnt body was lifted off the ash mound it had found it's home in and groaned even more once he felt steel at his neck. "Now then, Mr. Klaws." I grinned as I drew a trickle of blood. "Let's start making that _toy_ of mine now, shall we?"

* * *

I walked out of the stables(Ignoring a burning elf flailing it's arms above it's head talking about a devil dog on my way out-) and looked around to find my group, soon finding them all huddled around a fire(Of burning… robot parts?) near the pole that got all this started.

"So- how did everyone's day go?" I grinned even wider as everyone groaned and stuffed their heads into their hands. "Terrible. I don't know _why_ Sandy decided to add certain parts in building his robots." Acnologia blankly looked forward, seeing nothing and everything at the same time. "But I am regretting coming to this fight with only a thin pair of underwear."

I'd make fun of that, but as a fellow male, I wouldn't burst out laughing in front of him.

I'd do it back in the comfort of my office.

"And you, Delta and Zangetsu? Did you have fun with your new _boy toys_?" "Yes/No." "..." "..." "..." "... Something you want to tell us, Delta-" "No." "Well okay then. So, Zangetsu- how did _you_ like today's events?" "Not at all. Hated it. Hated it all." "Except for the part where he _discharged_ into the cannon and destroyed the robot in the process-" " _Shut up, Dunce_! At least I wasn't the one to pick up the _Reindeer chocolate_ off the ground in the stable and eat it!" "What the hell is wrong with eating a bit of chocolate off the ground?! I've seen hobos do worse!"

"Right, well, back on topic, we seem to be missing a few people- where is Andreza, Zero-Hime, and Karrie?" "Well, last I had seen of Andreza, he was smoking something with that Rudolph robot in a small room in the house, Zero went off with the Mrs. Klaws to a mall, talking about something along the lines of 'Useless Mr. Klaws's', and Karrie should still be in the fort somewhere burning hapless elves." Yuji explained to me as I poked the fire with a stick. "Hm. And actually, now that I think about it- where is Kurono?"

"MMMMPH! MMM, MM, MMMPH!" Pausing in poking the fire, I lifted up a rather large part of one of the ex Deerbots, and soon put it back down. "Never mind." Getting back up, I stretched my arms over my head and sighed. "Well Amaterasu, looks like this was one more successful mission." She just looked over at me from her position on the ground, confused. "But, wait, all the elves have yet to be eliminated, the Reindeer are all rather worn out and ragged, and your 'Wife' has left with the enemy! Even if you had somehow been able to destroy the original Mr. Sandy Klaws, there's no way we have taken over Christmas yet!" "Ah, yes, about that- taking over Christmas was just a ploy for the _real_ mission."

Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at me.

"Yeah, I just needed you all here to get rid of the defenses so that I could get direct access to Sandy Klaws myself." "For _what_ reason?!" "You see, I've held a grudge against Sandy for a _long_ ass time, as many years ago, I had asked for a certain present, but he, being the selfish bastard he is, denied me my present, for his stupid 'Morale values' or some shit, as he didn't want to be playing God and make living organisms, but this year, I got the chance to- heheh, _convince_ him to play to my tune, and I was finally able to get-" Reaching into my pocket on the inside of the coat, I pulled out exactly what I made him give me. "This!"

"Kyaaaaaaaaaah! It's so cuuuute!" All the girls squealed after they saw the palm size white fox in my hand. "... I got raped for a stupid _fox_ \- AH!" Anologia screamed after the little fox jumped impossibly fast from my hand and bit down into his hand and leapt back into my hand only a millisecond later.

With his hand still in her maw.

"Not really a _simple_ fox, but I'm sure you can tell by now." I petted the fox on the head,getting a purr from it. "It has _many_ different things it can do… That I won't tell any of you, just in case I need this little one to keep you in line in the future." The fox looked with narrowed red eyes at everyone as they all gulped and backed away from it and me.

Oh yeah, I was gonna _milk_ this.

"OH MY GOD, YOU SAW SANDY KLAWS, RIGHT?!" Suoh popped up out of nowhere and started to shake my shoulders. "YOU SAID YOU CONVINCED HIM TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED- YOU DIDN'T _KILL_ HIM, DID YOU?! OH GOD, YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU! NOOOOOOO! SANDY KLAWS!" "Down, Suoh!" I smacked him in the head and sent him crashing to the floor.

"I didn't kill the poor moron… Just maimed horrifically."

"OH MY GOD, THAT MEANS HE'S STILL ALIVE FOR ME TO SEE! WAIT FOR ME, SANDY KLAAAAAWS!" Suoh sprinted back into the stables to get into the house to find Sandy Klaws soon after.

"Ugh, you know what, I'm too tired to even bother with this shit anymore. I got what I wanted(And more, with all this blackmail material just waiting to be used.), so I think I am off to my office for some rest- you all go back to the party and see what's happened back there, and if it's bad, deal with it, then you can consider yourselves debt free." Dragging my hand through the air, I created a Garganta that me and my fox used to teleport back to my dark office.

Walking through the room, I reached the door and flipped on the light switch as my fox leapt and landed on my shoulder, rubbing itself against my neck after it did. "Man, I tell you little buddy, you were a hassle and a half to get, but in the end, tooootally worth it-"

"You positive about that?"

Freezing at the voice, I turned to my desk, only to see it occupied.

"Heeeeeeeey, _you_ , what, uh, are ya doing behind my desk at this hour… or at all, really…" "Well, I just so happened to get a distress signal from a certain _someone_ after I crash in on an unauthorized party, and I only just then realized 'Hey, the biggest trouble maker isn't even here.' which meant he had to be where I got the distress signal from, and from there I just decided to come here and wait for him myself." "... Exactly _how_ long have you been here?" "Long enough to decide how long you are going to be on reprieve." "... Can you give me an estimate?" "Multiply however many people you had got killed times a year-" "Oh, that doesn't seem _that_ bad!" "And that doesn't even begin to cover it."

"Ah… Well shit." "Yip!" "Took the words right out of my mouth, kit."


	3. Birthday Crashers(Not Castle Crashers)

**Keeping it short; computer finally broke, stuck to mobile for writing, so now chapters are either going update even later than usual, or they will be shorter to compensate.**

 **But anyway, feed Senpai, live Senpai, blah, blah, blah, just read on.**

" _ **More**_ **examples? You're kidding me, right?!"** "Nope. I'm cereal." " **But-"** "Like, super cereal. Like- you can't begin to understand, how cereal I am right now." " **And you can't begin to understand how** _ **fucking pissed**_ **you're making me right now!"** " _ **Ah, come on, Esin you-"**_ " **No, you damn bitch, I am not humoring this buffoon any longer than I already have! We need to get on with this stupid ritual, and be on with our lives!"** "But my trial is still going on!" " **No, your** _ **trial**_ **ended the second you stuffed a stick up that Quincy's ASS!"** "To be perfectly reasonable, at the time, it was fairly justifiable-" " **FAIRLY JUSTIFIABLE?! You can't justify shoving a stick up someone's ass, you ignoramus!"** "Hmph. Will it become justifiable if I take out the stick in _your_ ass?" " **OH! That is it, you little shit!"** " _ **Alright, alright, I think you both need to calm down and rationalize this-"**_ "Oi, I'm not the one with a bias towards people who _don't_ stick things in people's asses, here." " **In what world does anyone like people who shove sticks up others asses!?"** "Hey, you better watch what you say, you just insulted an entire group of people, yeah!" " _ **What group of people**_ **?!"** "It's a little thing called _hanel_ , Esin- maybe you've _heard of it_?" " **THAT'S NOT EVEN HOW IT'S PRONOUNCED, YOU DOLT!"** " _ **This is getting us nowhere."**_

Scratching my chin as I sat down on the ground, I let out a yawn. "Well, this would go infinitely faster if _someone_ would give me a fair trial." " **I gave you the fairest trial someone like you deserves! What more proof do you want that you're becoming crazily unstable, besides** _ **sticking a fucking stick up a mans ass?!**_ " "Well, considering this Omake series is nowhere close to being done yet, a lot more actually." " **The- what** _ **series**_ **?! You're being crazy again!"** "Don't make fun of my fanbase, you damn gremlin! I'll trade mark your ass, just so I can be the only one to kick and make fun of it! Maybe even stick a bigger pole up it while I'm at it, too-" " **WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"** "Hey, I'm a perfectionist- might as well go big or go home… Home is your ass, if you couldn't get the analogy." " **GAH!"** " _ **Okay, come on, enough's enough-"**_ " **It's not MY FAULT that your new wielder is a complete and utter jackass!"** "Hmph. You're white, and I'm Mexican, so whatever you say is just out of white supremacy." " **G-Gh! You dumb shit! It's 'Rubber and glue', not the horse dung that's flying out of your mouth!"** "But- you are not glue, nor am I rubber." " **YOU'RE NOT MEXICAN EITHER, YOU MORONIC WASTE OF SPACE-"**

" _ **SHUT UP!"**_

That shut us both up as the sword spirit seethed in rage. " _ **You two done with your little argument, yet?!"**_ "Actually, I prefer the term 'Pissing contest'-" " _ **And I'd prefer you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!"**_ "Yes ma'am!" I cowered as she glared at me(The longer she glared, the bigger my erection got, so I was okay with that-) and looked at the other person in the room. " _ **And YOU!"**_ " **M-Me?! What did I do?!"** " _ **Don't even get me**_ _ **started**_ _**on why I'm pissed at you, just fucking give the bitch his damn examples, so we can GET ON WITH OUR LIVES!"**_ ****

"Oi! I am not-" " _ **Ah, shut up, you know you're my bitch now, and you love it."**_

No comment.

" **Oh no, Mangetsu, you aren't helping him this time!"** " _ **Fuck helping him- I want to get his dumb ass out of here more than you already, but he won't unless we God, damn, DO WHAT HE WANTS! NOW SIT DOWN, CLOSE THAT ASSHOLE YOU CALL A MOUTH, AND FUCKING GET ON WITH THIS!"**_ " **Y-Y-Yes, sir."** Whi-tch!

" _ **What's that now?"**_ "Um- that was the sound of my eternal gratitude towards you." " _ **That's what I thought."**_ She pushed both of us down on the ground(Hard!) and summoned the giant TV from before. " **Whi-tch!"** "Ah, shut up, you dick, and stop acting like one to compensate for the lack of said item between your legs." " **Grrrr-"** " _ **OI!"**_ " **Right, whatever."** Snapping his fingers, the TV suddenly came alive. I didn't know what was gonna pop up on it, but I did know one thing-

I couldn't be the only one with a hard-on right now after her little anger show, right?

 **MOAR FLASHBACK'S, DILLWEEDS!**

"I'm boooooored." "Then why did you come here- you weren't even invited!" "But what kind of party would it be without Mu Setsumei Uxukie?!" "You mean other than a sane, run of the mill birthday party?" "Obviously, Mr. Espooda Number 8! Who the hell wants _normal_ \- gah, I shiver just thinking about it!" I shivered before taking a sip of my drink through the best silly straw 5 bucks(Stolen, of course-) could buy at a convenience store as I looked around at the party in progress from my perch at a bench rather far off from the rest of the people.

With me was a decent friend of mine(If you ask him, he would probably say 'No, I'm just a victim in his deadly game of… Whatever the hell it is he calls it-', but that just means me and him like playing _Operation_ a lot!), the newly reinstated Espada of Fraccion 8, Darine. He was about average height for a male, with a blonde feather style hair-do(I've tried to make into a buzz cut once before, but he attempted to kill me before I could finish because he woke up, even though it would make him look even manlier than he is… Because he needs it-), with a black scarf wrapped around his neck, and a grey sleeveless tube top with grey opera gloves on both arms reaching to his biceps and multi-color wristbands covering his wrists with grey slacks and sandals on his bottom half(See what I mean by him needing a manlier hair cut?), and I had cordially invited him to this event with me(I'm ignoring the fact I wasn't invited in the first place-), so that I could better entertain myself(I.E.- Not become bored… Which was failing.).

It was being held at the park(Yeah- that same one that I had blown up a couple months back. Remarkably, those Hoomahns in this plane of existence actually managed to refurbish and renovate in the 3 or so months it had been since that little _incident_ ; an incident I claimed to have no part in, of that I made sure… Still didn't stop me from having to pay a stupid fine for the damn thing-)- 'It' being a birthday party for a Shinigami, Cextra if I wasn't mistaken(I sure hope I wasn't- my present was hand made for him specifically… It would be an awkward moment giving it to someone _not_ him; oh sure, it'd be awkward giving it to him TOO, but not as much as the former option.). Somehow, the Shinigami had rented out the place for the day, and we were all(Sadly-) inside Gigai so that the Hoomahns didn't ask 'Why the hell did they rent the place and then not show up?', and then the birthday guy apparently invited a few of his Hollow buddies as well(Don't ask me how two people from warring factions could somehow become- what was the term again, 'Fer-ei-nds' was it?), and so the party was a relatively big one with bouncy castles, swimming games near the pond, a stage for some band(Probably those Cow-Tastic Four weirdoes that Cextra was in-), and they even got a clown doing… Clown things over near the smaller Shinigami and Hollows, that I was currently watching like a hawk.

I didn't have anything against clowns, because I wasn't racist- oh wait, they aren't a race, so yes, I do have something against clowns now, and do I really need a reason? They are creepy as hell-

Then you also had Zangetsu who was in some lanky, brown haired guys monkey skin(With the same pair of horns on his head, for no reason at all that he was saying were just 'Paper mache'- so bull to the shit on that excuse.) trying to hit on some blonde bombshell over by the pond, but was failing spectacularly, especially after the girl smiled and touched his arm, which made a low powered Cero to fire off from his horns and evaporate the girl, causing him to run away crying 'It happened AGAIN!'.

"Well that isn't _my_ problem, now is it?! But you still fucking dragged me to this damn place- even though I _too_ wasn't invited, and I wanted to get some rest after getting this damn tattoo remade!" "Not my fault you wanted to get the seat back after you disappeared- now pull your frilly knickers up, put on your high heels, and stop complaining." I couldn't really blame him, though- it was an extremely stupid rule that we had to get the damn number re-tattooed every single time we decided to drop the damn Espada title and then got it back.

I could not tell you how many ones and zeros I had scattered throughout my body by now(I'm sure it's enough to be some secret code to learn a robotic language at this point-) with the random four littered about here and there, and they each hurt like hell to get! Shouldn't have fucking switched Fraccions so much-

… I was a bit of an Espada swinger back in that time, if I were to be honest.

"Anyway, I'm bored- we need to remedy that." Let it be known that a bored Mu, makes for a very not unbored Mu.

And a fairly not S-M-R-T one as well.

"Well, we're here, at a _party_ , might as well make the most of it and not sit at a bench all day drinking… Wait, what the hell _have_ you been drinking?" I stopped drinking from my straw as I looked across the park.

" _What kind of alcohol? Uuuuuuuh, all of it, I guess- I don't know, I'm just going to be mixing it all into one drink anyway… That's suicide to mix that many different alcoholic beverages together, you say? Haha! No, that's a good time, my friend! Now bag it all, I can hear the cops coming."_

"It's a good time." "Um, why does it smell of liver failure, brain cell dysfunction, and death-" "Because it is _my_ good time, Darine." "Yeah, that seems like it would be." He shook his head before I got off my ass and started walking over to a clown they had gotten for the occasion. "Wait, wait- where are you going?!" He soon got up to stop me, but I just looked at him, eyes lidded with an extremely bored expression.

"Ima kill it."

I had such a way with words~

"K-Kill him?! Why the hell are you going to-" "The way its existence isn't perturbed by mine, I don't like it- it's almost as if it is taunting me to go and kill it." "We-We're talking about the _clown_ , right?" "Yes- just look at it, standing there, making balloon animals for those poor innocent kids that have yet to see the darkness of the world; the darkness of _it_!" "The darkness of the _clown_?" "They have yet to witness the darkness, so I shall rid its presence near them so that they may never have to see the _horrors_ I've had to endure before!" "What the _fuck_ do you have against _clowns_ , of all things?!" "..."

" _Oh yeah, oh yeah, just like that, you two-bit, hack! Couldn't get through real college, so you had to go through the clown one, huh you stupid bitch?! Uh, yes, yes, YES! Twist me like one of your stupid balloons!" "Honk honk, honk honk honk, honk- HOOOOOOOOOONK!"_

"... I have my reasons." Quickly walking up from behind, I grabbed the clowns head, and twisted it to the side, letting the body hit the floor causing all the kids to start freaking out. "Oh my god, he killed Kenny!" "You, bastard!" Wait, that was Kenpachi?

Oops.

At least he'd be back in his Office right now… Recovering from a broken neck, but still.

"Eh, he's not dead- _per say_ \- but in the mean time that uncle Kenny is sleeping on the ground like the lazy ass he is, why don't I do some tricks for you guys?" "What can you do- you're not a clown, you're just an old fossil, you, you old fossil!" One of the kids yelled as the others started to yell their agreements as well.

Ugh; I hate kids.

"Alright, you little snot nosed pricks- Darine, balloons!" "I don't want any part of this-" " **BALLOONS!** " "GAH! Yes sir!" Quickly inflating 3 long balloons up, he handed them off to me. "Prepared to be amazed, you little shit bags!" Turning so the audience couldn't see, I made fast work of the balloon before showing it back to them. "Wha-la!" "What the- holy shit! Is that, the Eiffel Tower?!" "Eh, I'm not sure what it is- I just know how to make it." I started to inspect the tiny tower from a 360 angle as everyone gaped at the miniature thing. "How and why did you learn to do that?!"

"..."

" _Hey brat, get me a beer… Hey, I said, get me a beer! OI! ARE YOU- Oh, is that a balloon? That's cute and all, but it isn't gonna save you from this beating- Wait, what are you doing; did you just tie that into a_ noose _?! Where did you learn to do th- N-Now wait a second, kid! I didn't actually mean that, you thought I would beat you… Like all those other times, you say? Heheh- that was just, just a me teaching you to p-protect yourself, yeah! You're a man, you gotta learn these types of things some ti- GEH! P-PLEASE, L-L-LET… GO… " "Honk honk, you piece of shit."_

"I refuse to let these things be better at anything over me." End of story. "Riiiiiiiiiight, anyway, what else can you do?" "Dunno. Never had to make anything except murder weapons from them before-" "Wait, what?" "But I guess I could make something non-violent if I try." Sticking out my tongue, I quickly twisted a balloon up with another one. "This one is a poodle… I think-" Hard to know what it was when you never had seen one of them before, you know. "Holy cow, that's a really good dog! So the last attempt really _wasn't_ a fluke or trick-" "Hurtful, jack ass. Now hand me another balloon, I want to see what else I can make." Taking more of the balloons, I started to make more creations. "Spoon, foldable chair, skillet-" Throwing them behind my back as I made them, they slowly started to get more and more violent. "Butcher knife, pitchfork, katana- here you go, kid- shuriken, scythe, python, M80 grenade-" Throwing that one over my shoulder revealed it was in fact not a balloon one, but the one I got from my pocket. "Oops. Anyway, I know I can make more things not so… dangerous- I just have to try! Okay, here goes; club, no, spear, no, machete, _definite_ no, noose, ah, this brings back memories; but still no, arrowhead- oh come on! I have to be able to make more things than this!" Looking down into my hands, it seemed there were only three balloons left from the entire ordeal. "Okay, last ones- I know I can do this, I know!" Concentrating with everything I had, I meticulously started to combine them all together. "Yes, yes, I can feel it. This is the one! This, is-" …

"... Let's go with _not_ a penis." Somehow I had created a monster(And a big one at that- heheh!) in the form of a phallic like balloon creation with two spherical objects at the base of it all; didn't help the tip of the thing was slightly rounder than the rest of the balloon and thicker as well. I couldn't believe I had actually created this, and I slapped myself to see if it was real- and of course I had created this thing- of all things, it had to be _that_.

In other words, I had created a cock and balls.

In front of impressionable children.

Children that were _much too fucking curious for their own good_!

"What is _that_?" "This? Uh, this is a… One eyed snake, so to speak." I was _so_ going to hell if I ever died. "I've never heard of a one eyed snake before. What's those things on the bottom of it?" "Ha, ha. _Those_ , are obviously the snakes…" I looked over to Darine, but at this point he was whistling and looking in another direction at some cute looking young Hollow girls.

Slut.

"Theeeeeeee snakes acorns! Yeah…" "Why does a snake need acorns?" "Because that's how he makes a living." Or at least that's how _I_ make a living, at least. "Why do snakes need to make a living if they are just wild animals out in random areas of the world-" "Because you touch yourself at night, that's why. And anyway, I think that's it for the balloon animals- er, _objects_ , I suppose would be more precise, for today. Now run along, you little hoodlums." Everyone whined and started slowly diffusing out of the area, except for one little blonde haired girl with braces and a pair of glasses. "But I didn't get a balloon." "Eh. Here." I handed her the penis. "Something tells me that will be the only one of these you'll get to hold in your lifetime, so take good care of it." 'Yay!" She ran off to a nearby bench with a few people on it. "Mommy, mommy! The funny man gave me his one eyed snake!"

I paled.

"Move, move, move!"

* * *

"Well, that wasn't in any way shape or from getting you into the deepest pits of hell after you die." "Meh. Not like that was the first kid I've corrupted before." "That- isn't as comforting as you'd think it is." "Who says that was supposed to be comforting?"

Because I sure didn't.

"Well, moving on, can we leave now? I really don't feel like being here when that kids parents find us." "What, and miss out on all the OTHER action? Blasphemous!" "To what?!" "To me, duh. Seriously, Darine, you have a brain, use it." "I would, but I'm afraid it will deteriorate just being in your presence." "See? You're using it already!" "Oh dear lord, I am- gah! I already forgot how to do pythagorean theorem!" "I mean, it's not you'll ever have a use for it anyway. They only really teach you that shit for college preparation. In fact, over 3/4ths of the things you learn at school you will realistically never use for the rest of your living- er, unliving life." "... Why do I hang out with you, again?" "Because you're lonely and Jill can only keep you so much company before you finally go crazy from lack of social interaction?" "I really need to get new friends…" "Isn't that what Tenderizer is for?" "No, that's the late night call for booty app, you're thinking about MaskBook." "Hm. Maybe. Don't really use them enough to know- OOOOOH, BOUNCY CASTLE!" Running off to the nearest inflatable device(This one almost entirely red with a yellow roof-), I sprinted into it and jumped through the opening at the front, kicking off my shoes in the process and proceeding to bounce inside the large object.

"WOO! I LOVE THESE THINGS!" "Uh, excuse you, we're trying to enjoy ourselves here." Confused, I stopped bouncing and looked around the expanse of the inside of the castle, seeing no one. "Over here, jackass." "Wha- oh come on!" Looking over at the left corner of the castle, furthest from the entrance(And also subsequently the darkest part of the entire thing because tree branches were covering the sun from that spot.), I saw a group of teenagers sitting in the corner.

 _Emo_ teenagers.

"What the hell are a bunch of nonconforming little bastards like you doing in a _bouncy_ castle at a BIRTHDAY party?!" "Not like it's any of your business." The second tallest male with long hair and red extensions(He probably was trying to fool people that it was actually dyed- like he could pull _that_ off.) flipped his hair back out of his eyes. "But our parents made us come here."

Those poor bastards.

Not the emo's, the parents- you can't help but pity the ones with angsty teenagers.

"Alright, so? Don't you have a hole you can crawl into or something rather than hang out in a bouncy castle?" I was more than a little irritated at this point, because they were cutting into my bouncy time. "And don't you have job to get to, old man? Aren't you a little old to be playing in a bouncy castle?" The tallest one(And the biggest nosed, one- seriously, pretty sure that kid was Jewish or something with a honker like THAT.) took a drag from his cigarette. "And aren't _you_ a little too old to be playing drag queen while stealing your mother's make-up?" "Wow, sick burn, dude. Did you get it at the same place you got your style? Because both of them are rather lacking." "No, I got it at your parents house after I was done _plowing your mom_." "You sure it wasn't the other way around, because I doubt you would be the one with the cock and balls in that relationship." That's it!

NO ONE talks about Mini-Moo like that!

"Ah, there you are, Mu, I- wait, did you change your jacket in the time you were gone? I could have sworn you had on a white one." Darine asked me as I walked out of the bounce house and put back on my shoes. "I did." I walked off to the next bounce house(This one with a white roof and a rainbow colored everything else.) and brushed off some dirt from my jacket. "Then it had to go and _die_." "Uh." Darine looked at my back as I walked away, seeing that it was still white. "Should I look in the-" "You can if you want- careful of the river that is bound to pour out when you open the flap, though."

Darine sighed.

"Maybe I will make that MaskBook account, now…"

"Woo! Other bouncy house!" Running up to the thing, I jumped halfway, kicked off my shoes, and slammed through the flap to enter the building. "Hold on, there, buddy." "Oh, what _now_?!" Not even getting the chance to bounce this time, I was stopped by three men who were just standing in the middle of the area. "Who the hell are you, and why are three grown men just standing in a bouncy castle in their socks and- oh dear lord, you're hipsters, aren't you?" "That we are, our tackily dressed, horribly conformed acquaintance." Son of a- "Mind explaining to me _why_ you're here, and _why_ I can't use this thing, and _why_ all hipsters seem to smell of ramen noodles?" "In that order, the party outside is too hype for us to even think about joining in on the festivities, jumping in an object solely used for bouncing around is much too meta, and considering we spend all our money on homes in wacked out neighborhoods while our rich parents won't give us any more money because we're 'Over privileged white boys who need to learn how to make money in the real world', the only food we eat is cheap store bought noodles." "That was… Informative?" "Indeed."

"... So, I'm just gonna start bouncing, now-" "Nope." "Come on!" "Don't think so." Just let me use the damn thing for what it was made for!" "Nuh-uh." "Gah! This is stupid!" The three gasped. "Are you calling our _art_ stupid?!" "Art? _Art_?! Standing in a bounce house isn't ART- the Mona Lisa is _art_ , songs made by bands like Queen are _art_ , starving yourself so you can better understand your work is _stupid_ , but apparently also _art_ now, or some insane reason! What your doing is just IRONIC _and_ MORONIC!" The three looked like I had just kicked their puppy in front of them(Though, knowing them, the puppy was probably a turtle, or something instead.) while simultaneously screwing their mothers. "I think you should leave, now." "Yes." My sword suddenly fell from my right sleeve. "And I think you should leave _the world of the living_."

"Ugh, what you did back there, Mu, let me tell ya, that ain't right, du- you did it again?!" "Hey, they were asking for it." "Seriously?" "Well, not literally. But they were all over it figuratively, let me tell you-" "Please don't. Just move on to the next one." "Next- oh boy, new castle!" Shooting off in the direction of the next one(Blue with white stars.), Darine slowly inched his way towards the opening of the previous castle, and cautiously moved the flap away with a long stick about 5 feet away from the thing to look inside.

"Wow, didn't know legs could even bend that way."

"Flying jump kick!" Going at impossible speeds, I just let my shoes fly far away into a tree(Which proceeded to when I brought up both feet in a double kick to kick into the castle. "Stop, man!" "Mother fucker, not this time!" Not stopping my momentum, I kicked the long haired man who smelled suspiciously of herbs and looked like he hadn't heard the term 'Shower' before in the face and entered the castle. "Your princess is in MY castle, now, bitch." I hocked a loogie on the floor. "This is the last damn bouncy castle at this fucking party, and I will be DAMNED if I let anyone else stop me from playing like the 5-year old man child I am!" "Welcome, my brother, to our sanctuary." "Son of a bitch, I'm damned!"

Well, more than I was before, anyway-

"Okay, what do you hippy bastards want?" "We are here today to spread news of the recent death of the oldest and largest tree in this park, that was unjustly destroyed a few months ago by 'The man' to make way for this new recreational area!" Preaching to the wrong guy, here, morons… Mostly because _I_ was 'The man' that destroyed that tree, but still- not some tree hugging, unhygienic, hairy old hippy. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, hippy dude. I just came so I could- wait, _Kol_ , what are you doing here?" Said man coughed awkwardly into his fist as he used his other one to loosen the collar on his dress shirt. "I, uh, speak for the trees and whatnot, all that jazz and stuff, you get it." "Yes Kol, I was the one who took you to even _see_ that movie. But I don't really care about how much you want to go out and hump trees until they get pregnant with little tiny acorns."

Seen enough tiny acorns to last a lifetime after walking in on one too many intense 'Training' regimens inside our Barracks…

We really should start teaching people about the hoomahn sock on the doorknob or something.

"Blasphemy! We do _not_ hump trees! They are gods creation to us all!" That's not what Kol said last time he was in Hueco Mundo, ironically humping a tree.

Something about pumping it full of life again, or something along those lines.

Didn't think he'd take it so literal, though…

"Of course you don't. Now if you'll all kindly get the fuck out of my motherfucking way, you can just be out of my way and jack off your 'Woods' to your hearts content-" "Hold it! This is a holy place, and we shall not allow you to desecrate it!" "With what, _jumping_? And it's a god damn bouncy castle! The only thing holy about these things is the amount of ass priests get inside of it!" They all gasped. "That's it! We will now have to ask you to leave the premises."

Terrible pedophilic jokes aside, these motherfuckers had no right to kick me out(Though, that first one is usually more than enough to warrant it, but still!).

"You can't kick me out! This is a freaking party for Mexican Jesus's sake! I'm the only one here who's at least _attempting_ to use this thing for what it was actually made for!" "Be that as it may, we have already laid claim to this establishment, and there is nothing you can do to change that." "Pffft, oh yeah right. On what 'Claim' do you now have all rights over this stupid thing?" "We have already called dibs on it."

Son of a bitch, they had dibs on it!

Well, it should have been obvious. Hippies always _were_ good with all the stupid legal jargon...

Must have had something to do with all the time they spent getting locked up in prison.

Growling, I made my way to the exit of the tent and slipped out, soon being seen by a disturbed Darine as I left it. "Well, you got anything new to tell me or what?!" "I learned just how flexible the human body really is, if that's what you're implying." He just looked off to a random area and stared at it with a million yard gaze. "No, it's NOT what I was implying! I meant are there any more bounce houses for me to crash into!" "Prepare to be sorely disappointed." Gripping my hair, I just about ripped it out as I screamed in frustration. "That's it! If I can't use them, _no one can_!" Taking out a remote detonation device, I quickly pressed the large, red button(The only one on the thing if I was being completely honest.), and as soon as I did, the castle all the way at the front of the party that I visited first exploded in a shower of fire and dust. "Holy shit!" Not stopping there, I reached into my front pockets and pulled out a pair of shuriken stars, which I threw after taking aim at the second bouncy house, and they hit dead on as the castle started losing all it's air while simultaneously(And comically-) soaring into the sky, taking all it's passengers with it. "The ambulance didn't even arrive to pick up those poor bastards, yet!" And last, but not least, I pulled out my silly straw from my last drink and stabbed the large object right next to me(Which just so happened to be the castle I just left.), making it slowly deflate and fall onto all the hippies inside.

"Vindication. Sweet, _sweet_ vindication." "You realize that we're about to have an angry horde of emos, hipsters, and hippies swarm us, right?" "Meh. I like our chances." "And then we'll have the _children_ on us next." "... Yeah, we should run."

* * *

"Okay, the clown and the bouncy houses were one thing, but the _presents_ now, Mu?" "That's 'Mr. Total Badass with the Large Schlong' to you, peon. And yes, we are going for the presents next, because I have yet to lay my gift on the table." "Okay, first, never going to call you that, and second, do you really think your present is worth enough to put on the table when we could be caught and thrown out, or worse, get kicked the crap out of?" "Why are you complaining about either, when both options would easily land you an out for my crazy antics?" "... On second thought, make as much noise as possible, and spit on someone's face- preferably the birthday boys." " _Now_ you're thinking like an Uxukie." "For some reason, that thought makes me want to murder something. Namely myself."

Walking over to the large assortment of tables that held the equally large assortment of presents for the birthday today, I pulled out my rather inadequately sized gift wrapped tightly in yellow wrapping paper with blue dots and placed it right next to what was probably the largest gift there(Seriously, it was about the size of one of the three tables stacked next to each other and weighed a ton; and if the letter next to it was any indication, it was from Kenpachi- their wasn't a name on it, it was just drenched in blood. Kind of his calling card.), then laid a thin piece of parchment in between some of the folds of the gift. "Heh heh heh, I've outdone myself this time, Pinky." I slowly rubbed my hands together methodically. "Pinky?" I shook my head. "Sorry, I had a cartoon binge before I went to bed last night- what I meant was, I've outdone myself this time, _Darine_." "Better." "Yes, with this plan, one of my best pranks is born!" "I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but what's your plan this time?" I chuckled. "I'm glad you asked, Pinky!"

"Still Darine…"

"Inside the tiny box, I have spring loaded about a drums worth of clear, odorless oil, that will unload onto whatever poor sap removes that tiny slip of paper from the box- AKA Cextra- and immediately following that, the sticky notes with crude phrases and sayings on them that I balled together at the bottom will shoot out stick onto him, and will stay stuck because the oil I used is extremely adhesive, and makes anything stuck to it nearly impossible to get off. Not only THAT though, but the 'Wrapping' paper will conjoin onto his location and bind his limbs together, where the box will then explode in a harmless(Hopefully-) little poof that will knock him back, kick starting the next step in this idea, where he will fall into the water, and my genetically crafted piranha's will do the rest of my work for me." "... You know, if you put even half the genius you have for stupid shit like this into battle, I'd crap my pants every time I was put against you." "You should do that anyway- I always aim for the crotch with you." He sighed and unconsciously slid his hand to cover his family jewels. "I noticed."

"I mean, it would be pretty hard not to with all the times I shot flaming balls of fire at your pants." "Yeah, it would." "Or the times I created ice barriers right below your feet with one larger than average icicle aiming right at your testicular region." "Okay, think you made your point abundantly clear already-" "Or even that one time where I took the golf club and just _really_ went to town on you-" "I GET IT!" "Just making sure you did." "Yes, and while you were 'Making sure' I was pondering on the biggest upset to you little 'Ingenious' plan." "And that would beeeeee…?" "That would be the obvious 'If someone not Cextra takes off the paper' loophole in your plot." "Pffft. That's not a problem to me- it's statistically unlikely that someone would take off the paper before the correct time, and even if they _did_ , they'd still face the same punishment Cextra would, which is still hilarious to me." "I suppose. But what if no one gets pranked by this and it backfires terribly for you?" "Meh." I shrugged and laid a hand on my present. "No harm, no foul." "Heads up, dudes!" Looking over to the left of the gift table, a frisbee rammed me right in the head, causing me to flip my present onto it's side slam my head into the table as I fell.

"Ow." "Uh, Mu?" Looking to my hand, which Darine was shakingly pointing at, I found a tiny slip of white paper in my palm. "Oh boy." Meticulously, we both turned our heads towards the shaking present on the table. "We should probably back up, now." "Um, how far?" "Oh, I'd say between 5 to get the hell out of dodge, range." "Gee, thanks for the tip." We both started slowly backing away from the gift table. "Well I would have gone further, but my dick is just too-" "Not the time for that!" "I beg to differ." Suddenly, the top of the present exploded, ripping the lid and top of the wrapping paper asunder as the see through oil slammed to a stop right on the side of the massive present from before, causing it to wobble for a bit, before finally falling to the opposite side and crushing all the presents on the same table as it. "Well, at least he still has two other tables of presents-" As I said that, the ball of sticky notes shot through the air before settling smack dab in the middle of the second table, where it then proceeded to explode in a shower of paper cut hell as the individual sticky notes started cutting the other presents to little more than confetti, ironically. "That didn't work at _all_ like I had wanted it to-" The party wasn't done there, however, as my gift wrap trap shot out and tied itself the large present still laying on its side, pulling it closer to the now horribly shaking box with nothing left on it, right before it, too, exploded, sending the large present skidding across the tables, scorched, beaten, and most likely ruined forever(Who knew that oil was extremely flammable?) as it either smashed or sent the presents on the third table directly into the water behind the tables(Really, who puts the tables with the presents on it so close to the water?). "Hey, the ones in the water are probably still salvageable-"

The rather large and terrifying man eating fish that came up to destroy the remaining gifts said otherwise.

"... There's a silver lining here, somewhere-" "I think you should just shut up and walk away, now."

* * *

"You just about killed the clown-" "Oi! He's not dead… I think." "-Ruined all the bouncy houses the party had, just because you couldn't play on them-" "In my defense, no one else could use them either except those damn hippies, hipsters, and emos, and no one wants any of those things at their parties." "-And then proceeded to literally destroy ALL THE PRESENTS at the party with your absolute crap one, that was only made to give the birthday man HELL! What's next, you going to destroy the cake, too?!"

" _Hm? Oh look, cake! I wonder what kind it is- bleh, VANILLA?! Who the hell gets VANILLA for a birthday cake, what is he, a mormon?! Well, sorry Mr. and or Mrs. Cake, but-"_ _ ***CLICK***_ " _-You gotta pay for your sins."_

"... Uh, no?" "And with that last act of stupidity, you have sealed your fate." " _Our_ fates, buddy! You're Like the Robin to my Batman, the Wolverine to my Deadpool! The Bonnie to my Clyde-" "Don't ever utter that sentence to me again; I can already _feel_ the nightmares it caused." "Doesn't change the fact it's true, Dar-Buddy." "Oh dear god, I actually am going to be blamed along with you for this- and I'm gonna get the worst of it because everyone knows you need a caretaker to stay out of trouble, and I am sadly that person!"

I stuck out my tongue. "I like turtles." "NOT HELPING MY CASE!" "Hm. Yeah, not even Phoenix Wright would be able to get you out of this mess." "So now it's _MY_ mess?!" "I mean, you could have stopped me at anytime, you know- probably should have done it after I broke Kenny's neck…" "I DID try to stop you! But you wouldn't listen to reason!" "Darine, you know I don't listen to anything that bitch says. You should have just told me yourself." At this point, Darine was just about pulling his hair out as his mouth frothed white foam and his eyes turned red from what I could only assume was an aneurysm.

Deciding to take pity on the poor man, I continued. "But, not all hope is lost! The Band still has yet to play, so when they go up to play, we can easily fix everything before anyone else notices!... That or take the lazy way out and run for the hills-" He took a deep breath to calm himself. "No, you know what? We CAN fix everything before people notice!" "Was kind of hoping you'd pick option two…" "Yeah, all we need to do is get a new clown-" "Good luck finding a 6'9 clown that looks like he works out every day, yet constantly skips leg day." "-Find a place that sells bounce houses, and bring them back here-" "Now that I think about it, where _do_ you get those things? I always just assumed they live in the wild and they had special experts that go out and capture them without harmfully affecting their natural environments." "- And then just spend a shit load of cash to get gifts to replace the ones you-" " _We_ , Darine. There is no 'I' in present." "-Horrifically destroyed! Yeah, we can do this!" "Woah- where did all this 'We' stuff come from? Because I certainly didn't ever bring it up!"

The deadpan glare made me rethink my strategy here a bit.

"And when I ask that, I really mean there's no way in hell I am going to do ANY of that."

Man could Darine be so oblivious sometimes!

"Oh, you _will_ help me with this. That is, unless of course, you'd wish for these photos to magically be spread all across the Supernaturally dead world?" He grinned with possibly all the malice his body had inside of it(Which, arguably, wasn't much for someone that looked like he was cosplaying a gay Justin Timberlake, but still.) as he took out a set of pictures from inside his pants. "I highly doubt there is anything incriminating enough in those to make me help- HOLY SHIT, WHERE'D YOU GET THESE?!" "Oh, these?" He waved them around, still grinning like a madman. "These were just taken at the last Animecon where you thought no one you knew would be- well, it was extremely lucky that I decided to stop by Paris at the time, now wasn't it?"

A bead of sweat rolled down my forehead.

"You wouldn't _dare_." "You'd be right- _if you helped me fix this mess_ YOU _got us in!"_ He had to be bluffing- time to call him out on it! "There is nothing wrong with a man dressing as Sailor Moon, damn it!"

Mouth, meet fist- fist, punch the shit out of mouth.

"Oh, of course not! So it really shouldn't be a problem if I, say, post this onto the Bulletin Board in the King's Palace, now would it?" I clenched my teeth. "Alright, fine, I'll help you! But you give me all the damn copies of those things that you have!" "Deal." He threw the stack at me and I was all too ready to grab them. "You, sir, are the evilest person I've had the pleasure of meeting." He nodded. "I know." I lifted a finger and was about to speak, but he beat me to it.

"And yes, I _do_ know how hard you are." He sighed. "Sadly."

* * *

"Okay." Darine clicked his pen as he looked down at his clipboard. "We went to 'Morimoto's House of Replacement Clowns for when your's Craps out on you' and got a new clown that looks _somewhat_ similar to Kenpachi." "If by somewhat you mean lankier than Shaggy from Scooby Doo and nearly half as tall, then sure." "Then we went to Wacky Bobbie-Sans Warehouse of Bounce' to get… rather questionable Bouncy Castles." "Yeah, I'd ixnay off the third one; I think it just gave me Crabs." "Why were you nak- nevermind. Anyway, we also got a massive load-" "Hah, gaaaaay!" "-Of _presents_ to swap with the ruined ones at 'Dollar Dollar Last Minute Gifts', so we should be good." "Yeah, thank god for all the weirdly specific shops in our city, otherwise, we would have been screwed!"

And to think our mayor wanted to _demolish_ them to make way for 'More important things' like childrens hospitals and homeless shelters!

Bah!

"Okay, if all of that is done and taken care of, all that's left is to replace the cake- but wait, the nearest bakery is on the other side of town, and the band only has one last song to play before they sing happy birthday!" I shook my head. "Don't worry about it, dude. I know I've been nothing but an ass, so I took the liberty of taking care of the cake while you did everything else." As I said that, I pulled out a cake that looked EXACTLY identical to the one I, ahem, _put out of it's misery_ earlier(And yes, it was even _vanilla_.) from the seemingly endless pocket of my jacket; white frosting and 5 layers in all it's glory. "Wait, when did you have time to even get that?" "It was when you were screaming for help after you called that clown midget a child and he started biting your crotch."

"Ah. I just thought you were too busy laughing your ass off on the ground to help me out." "Oh, I was- getting the cake only took like 5 minutes, and that midget was just going to _town_ on your ass."

" _Of course_."

He eyed the cake wearily. "You didn't poison it, did you?" "Who, me?" I asked, scandalized. "Of course not!" "Didn't fill it with your hair, or cover the frosting with your jizz?" I gave him a face full of disbelief. "What kind of sick mind do you _have_?!" "So you _didn't_ stuff a small child inside of it?" "For god's sake, Darine! It's a normal cake! Here-" I stuck a finger through the frosting and ate it. "See?" "Well, alright I suppose." He was still skeptical. "I guess just put it on the table over there." "You got it, buddy!" I made my way over to it. "See? We managed to fix this after- WOOPS!"

It was in slow motion that I tripped over my shoelace and started to fall to the ground as the cake flew from my hands and over to the gift table. "N-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" "Darine, why did you say that as if you really _were_ set in slow motion?" "Dramatic, suspense, you, moron!" "For _what_?" "Because the damn cake ruined the damn presents, Mu!" "What are you talking about? It stuck the landing." Looking over to the present table, they were all still intact with no cake whatsoever smearing the paper, and the cake was also standing in the middle of them, standing at the top of the pile like a beacon.

"Huh. Kind of expected, I don't know, for everything to be ruined by now." "Pffft, please. I think I know what I'm doing, Darine- this is like the fourth party I've crashed in this year alone!"

"Okay, everyone. Cake time!"

"Wow, look at the cake!"

"Forget about the cake, just look at the presentation, it's magnificent!"

"And that would _finally_ be our cue to get the hell out of dodge." I started to slink towards the entrance of the park. "Come on!" We both stealthily snuck past all the guests making their way to the birthday festivity, and managed to escape unscathed. "Woo! We did it! Best birthday crash, ever!" As we walked through the streets of Kyoto, I took out my silly straw and one of my flasks from my pocket and started going to town. "Yeah, it was really something, alright. I'm just glad to finally be out of there! Though, speaking of out-" He glanced at me. "You said you were only gone like 5 minutes to get that cake, right?" "Sure did- didn't want to miss out on the midget carnage!"

Not the actual Carnage as a midget, just a midget that liked carnage.

Big difference.

"Uh huh. And, you didn't exit your Gigai at all?" "Nnnnnnope." "But the bakery shop was still a ways from the store we were at; there's no way you could have got that _exact_ cake and have enough time to get back in 5 minutes." "That's cause I didn't go to that store to get the cake." "Then _where_ , pray tell, did you get it?" "Oh, well, when I walked outside, there was this big ship parked outside the back, and I was all like 'Pirates? On my turf? I think not!' and went to confront them." "Okay…" "So I did just that, but it turned out they weren't the bad kind of pirates like the ones with parrots and eyepatches- well, the one I talked to had one, but still." "Mu, focus." "Right, right- anyway, they turned out to be cake pirates, selling cakes!" "Cake… Pirates?" "Yep! And when I saw the cake they were carrying to their ship from the conveniently placed gunpowder store that was behind them, I knew we just had to have it!" "Gun… powder…" "So I paid them 20 bucks- they don't take Yen, for some reason, which is really weird for a business in Japan, and I got the cake!" "And you didn't find _anything_ wrong with that- at _all_?" "No. Why, should I?"

An explosion just so happened to erupt from behind us in the park, but I didn't stop or look back.

"Wow, hate to be the poor suckers caught in _that_ , am I right, Darine?" "... You are one vindictive son of a bitch, aren't you?" "I prefer the term 'Little Stinker'."

* * *

"See? I'm innocent I tell ya, innocent!" " **You ruined the guys birthday party, all because he didn't invite you!"** "I can't help it if I find comfort in other people's misfortune." " **Yes- you can!"** "If god didn't want me to wreck havoc onto others, he wouldn't have made it so much goddamn fun."


End file.
